Here's To You Mr. Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,


I'm writing to inform you that on the evening of February the Twenty-Ninth in the year of our (or presumably somebody's) lord Two Thousand and Twelve, an action was performed that has shaken this institution to its very foundation. An action I have since been informed was done on behalf of companies represented by you. So unconscionable in nature was this action that forty two women fainted, nine men groaned in detest, and a young child was permanently scared upon seeing this act.

Namely, you tried to sound like you gave a toss about the conversation at hand. Yes, yes, I am quite aware that your primary goal in existence is to be the faceless representative of various aspiring corporate monarchs, many of which have no discernible products other than their own monetary benefit from views. However, I feel that is not a viable excuse for you to try and sound human like.

After all, you're nothing more than a computer program scouring the internet for any place where a domain runner has been kind enough to remove captcha or other checking services in the name of reader satisfaction. And that's exactly what you should act like. There is little more tiring in this world than seeing your frail and sad efforts at trying to fact being human.

Though I must admit I do love getting a "thank you for the information" on a blog post about evil pandas, not so subtly plugging a car insurance company's new animal accident liability coverage. However, wasn't everything just so much better when you just wrote "sdkfjdslfjaskljflsdjklfsjl BUY CAR INSURANCE CHEAP! aldjakldjakl;wjkldjawdj" with appropriate (and inappropriate) link placing throughout?

Nowadays not only do I have to suffer through getting an email notification for your inconsequential post, but I also have to deal with your completely off topic comments. Comments that in the hand of more seasoned writers would likely be well pointed, absolutely hilarious, and full of the hope and passion I would seek a comment. But in your hands sound like the demented ramblings of a chimpanzee in a cavernous laboratory which has somehow gained control of a massive super computer and decided to give its advice to the world.

So please. If you're going to spam me, spam me the right way. The way that lets me feel as if I'm subverting the evil corporate system by not clicking on your links while you get to feel as if I'm too stupid to know the difference. It is the way the internet is meant to be.


- Thank you,


A Life in Equinox

How to Sell Out: Before and After Smartphones

Before Purchasing a Smartphone:

Me: "God, I can't stand all these people and their smartphones. Who cares if your phone has an app that can realign a satellite to help you select the best place to take photos of yourself! Seriously, my phone makes phone calls and accepts phone calls, and that's all any phone should do! Anything more than that is just feeding people who were already annoying to begin with fodder to make them even more annoying!"

Other Person: "Why are you talking to me? Please go away."

After Purchasing a Smartphone:

Me: "Oh and I have I told you about this app yet. Man, it's so much more amazing than all these other apps I've told you about. You see with this one, I can take a photo of myself then make it swirl and then unswirl it and make it go all kabloosh! You can even realign this satellite here and have it tell you the best places nearby to take photos of yourself! Isn't that amazing!?"

Other Person: "Why are you talking to me, again? Please, please, please go away."


To my fellow soldiers in the war against phones who do unnecessary things, I'm sorry. I have failed you all. For now, I am part of the dark side, and I must say things sure are lovely over here.

Damn you smartphones!!!!!!


Programming Note: For those of you who care, The Movie Picture Code weekly edition will be back and in full swing next Friday!

Looking For That Christmas Spirit

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Not the least of which is each and every one of you who take a few moments out of your daily run around to venture my way and check out whatever odd ramblings pop into my wee little head. I'm not sure why you do it (possibly a chemical imbalance), but I greatly appreciate each and every one of you. So much so that I can't easily quantify it in words. And I must say I appreciate you more this year than any prior.

You see, in previous years my blog has rode high on the comment exchange train. You read my blog, I read yours, leave a little nugget of a comment, you return in fine form, and we skate off into the sunset a happy duo of fellow reading. This year though, I can't honestly say I've kept up my end of the bargain. In fact, I'm sad to report my commenting is down by a percentage I dare not calculate for fear of depression. There are excuses a plenty I could give, but the truth is that there are those with far greater commitments than I ever dreamed of doing far more.

Does this make me a bad blogger? Certainly by some level of evaluation, and I wouldn't argue that my blog has reflected this downward shift in gears. Not only in terms of content, but also in terms of enthusiasm. The Movie Picture Code was a healthy bump in the right direction, but I'm far from back on the straight and narrow tracks. Part of that has come from a crisis of faith in my writing - or more precisely my ability to come up with engaging content.

Most of this is years of insecurity battling an over developed ego and trace elements of jealousy mixed in, but I do my best to focus on the positive. And that positive more often than not comes from you. From the wonderful blogathons you come up with to the incomparable podcasts you host there's always something for me to seek out and discover about each and every one of you. Not to mention your consistently engaging content which keeps me coming back for more.

That's right, don't think that just because I don't comment, doesn't mean I don't read. I do so at every chance I get. Sneaking a few minutes here and there whenever my schedule allows. Though it's not enough, and I know it. So as we move forward into the new year, and new year's resolutions and Christmas giving come upon us once again, I felt right in trying to exorcise the demons of 2011's blogging adventure. In the hope that as 2012 comes around I shall be re-invigorated, re-enorgized, and ready to once again deliver unto all of you that kindness for which you have delivered unto me.


Thank You!

- Univarn

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! No... It's Irony!

Can someone please explain to me why every writer - or individual who is a stickler for grammer - in movies or television feels the need to at some point sound the alarm over this country's horrid misunderstanding of the word "irony."

This is normally followed by a sequence of events through which the uneducated "irony" user and the overeducated "irony" champion encounter various challenges eventually leading the uneducated to spout off some hokey "now that's ironic" line at the end and a quick exchange of smiles. Yay! Crisis averted and the world is grammatically better for it.

There's just one thing - audiences don't care. I mean that, really. The reason the whole irony angle has been used so long is that people keep using it incorrectly. And despite nearly a million articles online and dozens of movies and television shows telling them otherwise, they've yet to change. Sad to say the war for irony is over, and strict proponents lost. Someone call up Merriam and Oxford, have them add in a second definition meaning "incredible coincidence" and let's all come together, sing some campfire songs, and move on already.

Anyone who's taken even a remedial college level course in any sort of noteworthy language course would likely know that words are subject to the definitions imposed on them by society. If a word is used and the general public understands exactly what is meant by it with great repetition then it's fair game for that word to undergo a bit of a surgery and expand into new definitions.

Words, like civilization, evolve and while we may not necessarily like what they evolve into (for example the use of the word "gay" annoys me tremendously), social forces are in the driver seat. We can try our best to steer them away from uses we don't like but we cannot control them. And no amount of stubborness is going to stop that change from inevitably occurring.

So please join me in grabbing a drink, sit back, and relax. Trust me when I tell you this, it's going to be alright.

He Shoots He Touchdowns!

I've always had a complicated relationship with sports. It's just one of those areas of the entertainment sector where I constantly find myself torn between two worlds. On the one hand, the intellectual in me is quick and precise in pointing out the general meaningless nature of the entire affair, and that my tendency towards one particular team or sport is built out of proximity, perception of public appeal, and relative accessibility. On the other hand, the emotional being in me tells me that that's all perfectly fine as attaching oneself to a sport can lead to an exhilarating rollercoaster of a journey.

The problem with this? When people ask me my opinion of sports I go through a long winded explanation of how my fascination with the competitive nature of it is predicated more so on entertainment than real emotional investment. An explanation I find a good 0 in 5 people actually care to hear. Many would much rather that I grunt, crush a bear can on my head, and yell "ooga ooga" in a steadfast declaration of 'yes.'

As a male there's some never ending gravitational force seemingly trying to force me to honestly invest in a sport team. That sort of sexist mentality that sports are 'manly' things and that all real men should succumb to their power and give themselves over to whatever team they are most entranced by. But to go that far just doesn't seem to excite me. Growing up in a little town called Wake Forest, which is nestled right in the middle of Chapel Hill, Durham, and Raleigh, you can well imagine the large part that College Basketball with Duke, UNC, and NC State only a few miles in either direction (before you ask, Wake Forest University is not in Wake Forest, it was just founded here...).

When my dad moved here with my mom from San Diego/San Francisco just before the Coach K Duke era, everyone here was either a UNC fan or an NC State fan. So naturally he became a Duke fan. For my own part, having grown up through so many of their championships, I generally lean that direction as well. But if Duke loses a game or is knocked out of the NCAA tournament, I don't go into a figurative coma and bemoan the end of society. Nor does my dad for that matter, but I guarantee both of us could name any number of fans of the aforementioned teams who do.

For the NFL, I guess I like the Panthers alright, but they didn't come around until I was roughly 10 years old. By then I was rather disenfranchised with the whole sporting experience so a formidable bond was never developed. With my parents from the Frisco area, and the great 49ers teams of the '90s, I spent lots of my formative years watching them go to championship after championship. There's some love/loss relationship with the Chargers from my dad being raised there, but I'm not sure where I sit on that spectrum.


But no matter what, there's one real truth for me: I only have it in me to care about one sport at a time. And funny enough neither of the above are the sport I'm all that invested in at the moment. Despite the limited accessibility, I've found myself quite taken with European Football (soccer), specifically the UEFA Cup and the Barclay's Premier League. Why? I think it's rather simple - well timed entertainment. The great advantage that Soccer has over most other sports is that it bent the will of the networks to meet its own needs, rather than the other way around. Whereas in Football and Basketball you're likely to have fifty commercials every time a player so much as passes wind, Soccer has an easy, straightforward setup that's hard to interrupt. Two forty-five minute halves with what is basically an elongated commercial half-time in between, and that's it.

Sure, the lack of goals can be frustrating for those who need that constant release of excitement, but I find I'm far more thrilled with the lead up to the goal than the actual score. I would wager much of that is due to me not really having a team to cheer for, so who scores exactly has no real impact on my general perception of the game. Since I've been watching it for a couple of months now I can safely say there are some players I don't much care for, but when you're watching a sport with that much flopping (which I think is hilarious) and egotism (which is really in every sport), that's just bound to happen.

Will I keep on watching and enjoying European football? Maybe... Then again, there was a time in my life where I spent all Sunday watching the NFL and thinking I'd not stop watching this anytime soon. Ah, memories.

What If....

What if nobody ever said Citizen Kane was the greatest film ever made?

Think about that for a moment. Think about the ripple effect that claim has placed upon the film. For there is perhaps no greater display of our immediacy to find acceptance in our opinion than in Citizen Kane. The way it attracts like minded individuals to love/hate it. The way the very mention of it splits a room into the distinct, grouped opinions. The way people desperately cling onto their group for reinforcement and encouragment. The way each group is absolutely convinced that their viewpoint is the only realistic viewpoint to be had.

It is arguably the most divisive film in history. From the day it exploded onto the screen, criticism, controversy, admiration, and dissention seemed to follow it at every turn. To possess an opinion on the film at all is akin to declaring sides in a seemingly never ending war. It's consistent prominence on top 100 lists only bolsters those whose fervor against it knows no bounds. However that same presence solidifies those who love it to do so tenaciously.

For my own part, I'm not afraid to say I love Citizen Kane. I first watched the film in 2006 in a history of film class, where my teacher made it abundantly clear where this film sat on the pantheon of quality (near the top). Seeing as I found my teacher sexist, annoying, and creepy, I can't say a ringing endorsement from him was likely to sway my opinion some. Yet as we sat back and watched the film I came to appreciate the film for a reason different than those around me. After all I was surrounded by film majors. A smorgasbord of aspiring film makers, each convinced they would be the next Scorcese, Kurosawa, Wilder, etc. While I don't believe they are indicative of all film majors, they were an unbelievably pompous group to sit around.

So what did they admire about the film? It's place in history. From my perspective they loved it because they wanted to make it. They wanted a film to be that important because they wanted to make something equally so. But in my discussion group for the film I was the lone soul talking up another point. The character of Kane. I admired the way Orson Welles built him. The way he was molded, twisted, turned, bent, stretched, and in a single moment shrunk down to his most basic emotional feeling. Citizen Kane ignited a passion in me for a genre that up until then I had always belittled a dull and boring - much like Kane's own critics. Citizen Kane ignited a love for character studies.

It has been much to my pleasure over the years since having left the 'safe' environment of that film history class to meet people whose view points on Kane are as complicated as the character itself. Those who out and out hate it. Those who admire its history, but cannot bring themselves to like it. Those who love it solely for its history. And, perhaps most importantly to me, those who also find themselves wrapped up in the tale of the character Kane. It is a movie whose social intricacies challenge us at every turn to understand and evaluate our own opinion of it.

So what if it was never called the greatest film ever made? I find myself reflecting on this from time to time. Would I still love it? Would anyone? Would those who hate it as much for its content as for its place in history be so adamant against it? I wonder....

The Power of Love: Introducing Susie

For most of us, the name Susie is likely a friend, loved one, or perhaps a name we've never even heard before. For my own part, I've got two aunts named Susan so that's my immediate association. However, here in North Carolina the name Susie has taken on a new meaning over the last couple of years. You see, here Susie refers to a dog (pictured above). Not just any dog either, a very special dog.

After all, Susie was dealt a rotten hand in the early part of her life. A rotten hand most of us wouldn't go near with a five hundred foot pole. When she was first discovered near dead in a park back in 2009 few could have known she'd come to be the figurehead for a movement in NC. For when Susie was found she wasn't just hungry and alone. She was suffering from severe beatings, and burns across her body. Through the tiresome effort of the nearby animal shelter, Susie was given a new leash on life, but the traumatic experience would follow her at every turn.


Enter Donna Lawrence, and her husband Rob. Donna herself was struggling to overcome a trauma. For just as Susie was recovering, Donna found herself on the wrong end of a life threatening attack by a neglected pit bull. The attack left Donna in need of forty-five stitches and nearly two months before she was able to walk again. Her new found wariness of dogs found an unlikely companion in Susie whom she adopted alongside her husband some time later.

Together the two overcame their traumatic pasts and learned to understand and appreciate the other species. But that leaves one remaining dilemma - what happened to the individual who performed such atrocious acts upon Susie? The man who poured lighter fluid across the body of this defenseless pup and set her aflame. Well, he got the best NC had to offer... four to five months suspended sentence for burning of personal property.

Were he not a criminal with other charges - non Susie related - on his plate he would have walked away with no jail time at all. Enter Susie's Law which was signed into law way back in December 1, 2010. Susie's Law upgrades various acts of animal cruelty from Class I felony to Class H and puts jail time on the table whereas probation was the only option before. Is it enough? As a life long lover and owner of dogs, I'd say no. But then again I'm probably a bit more towards the radical end of the spectrum, so you can take it or leave it.

Still, as we approach the one year anniversary of the signing of Susie's Law I can't help but read this story and feel a bit bittersweet. I know cruelty such as the form experienced by Susie happens across the country to children and animals alike. I know that it's a form of cruelty that is impossible to perceive as an outsider looking in. And yet I constantly wonder what drives individuals to perform such acts. It is an emotional response I dare not fathom. Nor is it one I ever wish to really understand.

You can read more about Susie and Donna at SusiesHope.com.

Real Men Read Blog Posts While Fighting Ninjas

 There is perhaps no greater proof that evolution might just be a fad the planet is going through at the moment than the manner in which men are marketed towards. If one were to base all men solely on the calculated efforts of their marketing demographic than you would easily assume all men boil down to three core components:

1. A love for all things that go VROOM
2. Will go to any lengths in order to secure intercourse
3. Are incapable of acting with any degree of intelligence unless they're chugging down pints of alcohol.

Though of course my favorite commercials are the ones that try to sell the notion of "real men." You know, "Real Men Buy Trucks!" As opposed to Imaginary Men who have no need of trucks and can simply whistle and call upon their imaginary flying carpet through which they travel the netherverse in search of the gateway to Narnia before magically teleporting back to Earth and petting a cute puppy. Uck. I mean really. Who wants to be that guy? No, I prefer to have a pickup truck. Though of course not just any pickup truck. I want one with a large number following the letter V (which I assume stands for Vagabond) being towed by lots of horses and stopping on a dime. Mostly because in my career as a professional dime cruncher having a truck that can do most of the work for me is a real added bonus. And you can never have enough horses around to tow your truck (these things break down a lot so you've got to be prepared).

Of course it helps if the announcer telling me all of this has a gruff and growling voice. The kind of voice Clint Eastwood listened to as a child while being rocked to sleep (though I'm sure his cradle was lined with spikes and packed a fair amount of chewing tobacco for added snarl power). Though I don't always want the same thing in my trucks that I want in my alcoholic beverages.

No, I want to know that my alcohol will not only prove how cool I am - as demonstrated by an obscure guy in his 60s doing mostly uninteresting things while a narrator tells you how cool he is - but will also go that extra distance to insure the cute girl staring at me across the room knows that I'm the real deal. By the real deal I mean so dreadfully uninteresting that comatose patients wake up when I'm in the room just to walk out so they can avoid having to listen to me talk. The kind of real deal that comes with a particular type of knowledge you don't just find anywhere. Yeah, with this beer in my hands I can tell you things that would blow your mind. Like what happened on Jersey Shore last night, or what might happen on Jersey Shore next week, or... you guessed it, how amazing that Jersey Shore episode two weeks ago was. Oh yeah, check out captain awesome. With this beer in my hands I'm going places... most likely the bathroom in 10 minutes but don't you worry about that because my leg is already arched as I do a spot on impersonation of Captain Morgan.

Which brings me to perhaps my favorite part of the male marketing machine - the carnivore. That's right men like meat. We like big, thick, juicy whoppers of meat. The kind of meat you could wrap your mouth around and swoon over for ages. That's right, I'm talking about beef. Not just any beef, Angus beef. Quick poll guys, which is your favorite Red Angus or Black Angus? Hell, I don't know about you but I can name all of the 10 components that factor in certifying meat as Angus beef by heart. That's how much I love my beef. Unlike all these fake men out there who go to restaurants and dare order a chicken salad. You're weighing the whole species down man.

Besides, how can we ever distinguish ourselves from one another unless we all force the exact same actions upon one another? It's the only way we can ever fully come together as a species... and watch football. Because without beer, beef, and oversized trucks football just isn't the same. Now if only I could convince everyone that watching sports is so much better with an accordion playing in the background.

And Now For Something A Wee Bit Different

A decision has been made. Well, in truth lots of decisions have been made. In fact one was made the second you clicked on the link to open this post. Perhaps I should have opened with "another decision has been made?" Nah, would have taken down the impact of this decision. Sure, it's not quite as big a decision as asking someone to marry you or deciding to tell your friend that you voted for the other party in the last election, but importance is relative. So without further ado, here was mine: I'm pregnant. Wait, no, not that one. Damn. I'm really bad at this. My hands, they're all shaky and sweaty, and I think my voice raised two octaves (on the plus side now I can be in The Nutcracker this Christmas - win).

Alright, no more fooling around. Here it is. From now on not everything I write here will be about movies...

...damn, I should have stuck with the pregnant story shouldn't I? I knew this would be awkward. Look, it's not you, it's me. I love movies, always have, I'm just running out of things to write about with them. Well, at least engaging content that doesn't boil down to me just posting trailers and writing uninspired reviews. I don't want that. Never have. I want my blog to be a fun and mentally engaging place. A place where you can exercise your mind and slyly giggle at my dry and off kilter sense of humor (see above paragraphs).

This is my ongoing effort to build on top of that. So, what will I write about? Who knows. It may be television, science, news stories, maybe even a bit o' politics (though you'd all have to promise you won't de-evolve into cnn commentators on issues), and just random stuff off the top of my head.

Before I wrap up this post let me just say the primary focus of this blog will remain movies. I just want to branch out a couple of days of the week. And for the sake of simplicity I'll try to keep those days relatively similar so you all have the option and knowledge to avoid my blog should you find yourself waning in interest upon those alternate topics.

So I hope you all stick around as I venture out into various fields and pop in my two cents every now and again. Thank you all for everything you've brought this blog, and me, over the years and I hope to keep making it a must stop shop for your reading pleasure!

Hit Me With Your Best Shot: Reader Feedback Time!

Yes, it's time again for one of 'those' posts. You know the ones. The ones where I call upon all my lovely readers to supply some hardy feedback, claiming all the while that I don't mind negative input, but secretly hoping someone comments that my writing is just short of heaven on earth (a boy can dream can't he?). But all the same, I feel these posts are necessary for the continuation of my blog. You see, I don't just write this for myself. I talk to myself enough in daily life, no need to carry that over to the internet... too much. I write to educate, be educated, communicate, discuss, and if you've taken the right combination of prescribed medication, entertain.

So, please leave a comment and tell me how I can make LiE a better reading experience all around? Whether you'd like to say something as blunt as "sort your grammar skills out, there are five years with a better grasp of there, their, and they're than you" or as kind as "keep on doing what you do, darling, you're fabulous" (I'm assuming no less than five finger snaps) I want it all. Heck, even if all you want to say is just a few films you'd like me to review, that's fine. I'm cool with that. The more feedback I get, the more I have to reflect on, analyze, and come up with ways of moving forward with.

Thank you all and hope to hear from you soon. Have a nice day

- Univarn

Do We Always Ask The Right Question Too Late?

Death is the great unknown variable in life. You don't know when it'll happen, how it'll happen, or what actually does happen. So when someone we know passes on - especially if it occurs at a relatively youthful age (i.e. any age near our own) - these are all the questions we begin to tackle. What factors in their life lead to their untimely demise? What could they have done to avoid it? What could we have done to help? All taken up by our mind as we rumble through the somber world of mourning. This entire act gets amplified tenfold when a celebrity passes on, mainly because it's not done just by us but by the media at large.

Speculation runs rampant as everyone wants to get the big 'scoop' and that person's death comes to embody the struggle of that life - a circus. Make no mistake about it, the media treats celebrities with the same reverence as one might show a dog chasing its tail. Good for a few chuckles while they're 'cute' but inevitably tiresome and ignorable. After all, what could possibly be better for a human spirit in trouble than to have that trouble mocked and plastered across the Internet, television, radio, and print media? That'll definitely solve the problem.

Really, if I had an addiction which was built on a want to escape reality and that reality from which I sought to escape only got more aggressive and vigilant against me I don't see myself flocking towards it anytime soon. Which is why I don't think you see a lot of celebrities who overcome alcoholism, drug addiction, or depression. Sure, there's the few who find their way through all the ruckus, but it often takes the media just leaving them alone long enough for them to deal with their issues.

That also goes for the people around the celebrities too. If a celebrity is known for drinking and partying, then everyone expects them to drink and party. No matter that they just spent the last three hours doing so, they weren't at my party! So let's continue dumping drinks into the person with a clear problem in restraining themselves and champion them when they do it. Don't bother worrying about the severe social, biological, and emotional consequences this can have, it'll make my party the 'it' place to be! If I can sneak my way into the background of a television interview with them, it'll be just a happy coincidence (quick someone call 911!)

Which brings me to the fetishists who seek out these sort of tabloid garbage. It's not enough that they're privy to front row seats to the downward spiral of a human being, no... they need to make sure they're aboard. I mean, how could that person possibly survive if they didn't have the snarky tweets, facebook posts, public outcries, and/or blog posts from anybody with half an opinion on anything following them everywhere they went? If that doesn't help things, I don't know what will.

Perhaps a little compassion? Nah, it's not my fault they got an addiction, are suffering from depression, or are having a psychotic breakdown. Besides, don't addicts just say "silence ye drugs and flee," high five a couple of fellow addicts, and they're magically cured forever?

Education:

Univarn on Life: Necessary Rules

Three Moments in Life We Ought to Have Set Rules For

I'm not (that) socially awkward. At least I don't like to think so. When it comes to day in, day out communication I'm often  just fine. But that's not always the case. There are circumstances that come up in life where it seems nobody knows what the right reaction is. It certainly doesn’t help that I have a random imagination and therefore end up spending a lot of time trying to stop myself from saying what will most definitely end up being the wrong thing.

Person: “My mom just died of cancer.”
Univarn: “At least it wasn’t an army of killer bees.”
Person: “…………………………….”
Univarn: “I hear they can be bad this time of year………..”
Person: “………………………………………….”
Univarn: “…………I’m sorry for your loss?”
Person: “Thank you. I think I’m going to go over there now, bye.”

Now that circumstance is a bit of a rarity, and I know you shouldn’t bring up killer bees at a time of sorrow (even if the deceased in question happens to have been a big fan of Tommy Boy). Still, there are some moments in that I think we should have set rules for the code of conduct expected from one another. The outliers of life where there really isn’t a set rule (or socially accepted one) that I think we would greatly benefit from having something put into place. So, here we go:

1. Seeing Is Frustrating: I’m in a hallway, strolling along (admiring the fine wall finishing) when all of a sudden a quick head turn results in me making eye contact with someone at the complete opposite end. My natural instinct is to smile and give a slight nod or wave to say “yes, I know we just made eye contact so please accept this gesture in lieu of me actually speaking to you.” However, at such a distance I’m still left with the awkward smiling and starring for the remaining of the walk down the hall. If I go for the gesture too late however, I may come off cold, creepy, or just dazed. Perhaps the solution is never make eye contact with anyone ever?

2. Push You Damned Dirty Door: Can we make it a law that all doors with bars going across horizontal must be push doors? While any door with a little bar going across vertical must be a pull door? There’s nothing quite like catching a pull door when you were expecting a push door right in the middle of a stride. Of course, this only ever happens when I’m in a hurry; which means I get to spend the following seconds like an idiot trying to re-push the pull door just in case. Then debating if it is locked, before realizing the damned door is a pull because someone comes along and opens it from the other side. And you just know that smirk on their face means they opted to wait a few moments to see if you’d figure it out!

3. You Know That I Know This Conversation is Over: I fully believe there needs to be a set rule (think of it as a ‘safe word’) which tells both parties “this conversation has just ended, time to move on.” Why? Because I hate when you’re in the middle of a heated discussion and all the sudden – flatline. You both just end up standing there staring at one another wondering if there’s possibly any other topic or way of debating the topic at hand. Of course there isn’t, and you both know it. But neither of you want to be the one who says “bye” so you sit there in an in between moment of nothingness. This is especially important on phones where those lovely visual queues that things have headed south are unavailable. Perhaps we should just say break and clap our hands whenever we’re sure the conversation is over (though this might lead to that awkward “I’m not finished speaking yet” moment).


So, now that you know a few of mine, why not tell me some of yours? Got any moments in life that seem to arise often enough and you can never find a happy medium between awkward and social compliance?

Are We Our Own Worst Enemy?

It's not hard to champion your favorite film. Not hard at all. If anything, just the mention of it likely perks your ears, wets the tip of your tongue, and gears your brain into position for an all out cheerleading campaign on its behalf. Such is the way of passion. And what's there to be more passionate about than that one film that you feel sums up everything you could ever love about a movie?

But I often wonder if I don't do the movie some grave disservice by arguing its case so loudly. After all, with my incessant reminders, calls to viewing, and pushing, how can you ever judge the movie evenly? You can't. You're going in convinced through my advice that this movie will be a sentiment of perfection. But that's no guarantee. My favorite movie could easily become your least favorite. And it's something that's bound to happen every now and again. So by what right do I have to push this movie upon you with such assurance?

By the same token, leaving it as a simple "just watch it" feels as if I'm letting the movie down. Why would you watch a movie just because I said you should? It seems void of emotional connection, and while that may just be the very thing that helps you give the film a fair assessment, I am left wanting. Then again, I probably should be left to feel that way given it's not my opinion to force. It's my opinion to offer, but it is entirely up to you how that is received, and in turn interpreted.

So I often find myself in a bit of a mental crossroads. Everyone knows my favorite film, and favorite director. The very mention of either gets me immediately tagged on facebook, twitter, and linked in posts. So is it even possible for me to avoid the stigma of being the hard sell man on my favorite film? Probably not. But perhaps I should try. While I don't deny that I would love for everyone to see my favorite film. I'm sure everyone would love for me to see theirs. And if truth be told, that's probably not going to happen. Too many birds in the trees trying to chirp the loudest.

But this contradiction, compulsion, and insinuation isn't limited simply to favorite films. It reaches out to encompass all films we, as individuals or a collective, hold dear. This is the very reason you see so many reviewers struggle to differentiate their opinion from the opinion they've heard so often and vehemently. The conflicting inner war between personal opinion, group acceptance, and amicability. Which of course leads to the inevitable question of what exactly we expect from movies that are considered all time greats? However, that's for a different topic all together.

Don't You Forget About Me

So, the LAMMYs are upon us once again. Which can mean only one thing - it's time for me to begin whoring myself for votes. As you might remember when last year strolled around I found myself nominated a whopping five times. I say whopping because when it came down to it I received a rather strong whipping as well. Not so strong as others (still love you Castor), but still - it was enough to earn me one of the two "Denzel Washington Lonely Tear" awards (Fletch/Rachel - feel free to use that if you need a consolation prize this year). Which in and of itself is pretty awesome.

However, it's not quite as awesome as a LAMMY would be. Oh, I could see it now. Sitting gloriously upon my award shelf next to a bunch of dust and my 2nd Place Karate Tournament trophy from that time when I bested nobody and earned 2nd by default (there were only two people in the competition and they had the trophy anyways). Oh, it would be the shining accomplishment of my life. But, alas, me winning one requires your assistance. My fellow LAMBs, you can prevent forest fires and the breaking of a Uni's heart. And if that makes sense to you, all the more reason.

So, when it comes time for you cast your ballot. When you're weighing the best and the brightest against those you like and kind of enjoy. Simply LiE your ass off and nominate and vote Life in Equinox.

Oh, and in case you need a little insight to what I would consider my core categories:

Most Prolific - This will make post #893 in two years
Best Running Feature - Monday Corner or the Obligatory Two-Pack
Brainiac Award - A critical mind is a terrible thing to waste, but I do my best.
Best Movie Reviewer - Because natural talent like mine only comes along once a week!
Best Podcast - The Film Enigma (expect more on this soon)
Funniest Writer - You know you love it when I pull a funny!

and of course - BEST BLOG (because I honestly don't stand a chance in hell of winning it)

VOTE HERE
You can also vote by clicking on my FYC in the right hand bar! Voting is only open to current members of the Large Association of Movie Bloggers.

Five Things You Need to Know: Game of Thrones

Ned Stark (center) and Arya Stark (left) in HBO's Game of Thrones

It is not very often that I find myself really anticipating something. The skeptic in me is far too cautious to let me be drawn in by hype, and as such I will seek the good and the bad about anything that appeals to me. But I can't help throwing caution to the wind as I prepare for the upcoming HBO Mini-Series Game of Thrones, based on the fantasy novel series A Song of Ice and Fire written by George R.R. Martin.

I don't read nearly as much as I ought to, but this series has me hook line and sinker. I started reading the first book last year, and a few months and several thousand pages later I was done with the fourth and ready to throw in my hat to the waiting line for the fifth. But I know not everyone is familiar with this series, and those who enjoy fantasy have stayed clear given its penchant for death and Shakespearean tragedy upon Shakespearean tragedy. But I would caution those worried, to not be so. The tale is gripping, layered, and captivating beyond compare. And if HBO has the courage to see it through, even in a most minimal sense I can't imagine the series falling short.

So, with the episode one premier on its way this Sunday, I thought it timely of me to offer up to you all five bits of information that will help ease your transition into the world.

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1. WESTEROS: The fictional continent in which all our stories interact, Westeros is home to two distinct landmarks: The Seven Kingdoms and the North. The Seven Kingdoms mark an ancient land where once seven kingdoms stood apart before all were united under the rule of the Targaryens centuries before our tale takes place. Esos, larger landmass just across the sea, is a free trade continent of wider variety in people than the Seven Kingdoms. Esos is home to the Dothraki horsemen tribe, slave ports, freemarket traders, and an assortment of mystical students.

Map of Westeros' Seven Kingdoms - click for larger version

2. FAMILIES: A Song of Ice and Fire concentrates itself on three specific families at the start: First, the Targaryens. The old royal line of Seven Kingdoms, who it is said rode dragons into battle. Now dethroned, the last remaining siblings found refuge in Esos using what remains of their name to rebuild an army. The Baratheons/Lannisters. Headed by usurper Robert Baratheon (Mark Addy) and his wife, Cersei Lannister (Lena Heady), the Baratheon/Lannister household forms the new royal line of the Seven Kingdoms. However their relationship through marriage is not an amiable one. Above all else Baratheons value strength, while Lannisters seek only power. Robert Baratheon's eldest son Joffrey is heir to the kingdom. Then, there are the Starks to which my next point is dedicated. As the series branches out, we begin to learn more about the families that make up the four other old kingdoms in the land.

Daenerys Targaryen (left) one of the last two living Targaryens and Ser Jorah Mormont (right) her exiled knight guard

3. STARKS: The central family at the heart of much of Game of Thrones, the Starks are headed by Lord Eddard 'Ned' Stark (Sean Bean) of Winterfell, childhood friend of King Robert Baratheon and second in command during Robert's overtaking of the throne some years ago (14 in the novel - 17 it seems from commercials for the series, most likely an effort to avoid the touchy terrain of graphic teenage sex). Other prominent members of the Stark family are: Catelyn (Eddard's wife - strong willed but ladylike when needed), Robb (their first born and heir to Winterfall), Jon Snow (Eddard's bastard son of same age as Rob), Sansa (the eldest daughter), Arya (second eldest daughter), Bran (second heir to Winterfell), and Rickon (the youngest and wildest of the bunch). When Ned is asked to serve as Hand of the King (the right hand man whom acts as King when the King is not available for certain functions), the close-knit bunch are forced to separate, and their true colors will form. With the exception of Rob and Rickon, each member of the Stark household has been a POV character at some point in the books.

Jon Snow (left) along with Bran (center) and Robb (right) Stark. The three eldest male children of Ned Stark.

4. THE WALL: Standing 700 feet tall, and stretching across the entire northern border of the Seven Kingdoms, The Wall is as old as the men of Westeros themselves. An ancient defense guarding the realm of man from the mysterious 'Others' - an evil force not seen for thousands of years. Maintained by the Black Brothers, a group of ex-cons, bastards, and what few lords they could muster, each has surrendered all other possessions for this one last shot at life. Constantly at war with the wildlings, a small group of humans who have rejected the Seven Kingdom's feudal ways, the Black Brothers are out of sight and out of mind to many of those who sit and sleep far to the south. But an old evil is rising in the far north, and the Black Brothers' resolve will be tested.

New members of the Black Brothers, Jon Snow (left) and Samwell Tarly (center) take part in weapon training

5. The Game of Thrones: Quite simply the Game of Thrones is the all inclusive power struggle that has become the bane of Westeros. With the Targaryen's out of power and the fear of their return slowly subsiding, the Seven Kingdoms - which was only held together by that fear - finds all of its old rivalries returning to the world. The prize: The Iron Throne. Made of pure iron, the Iron Throne is an uncomfortable hulk covered with metal spikes as sharp now as the day they were borne, capable of slashing any who are unaware of their presence. From the barren desert of Dorne to islands of Pyke, every Lord now sees an opportunity for them to become King. An opportunity each of them is all too willing to take, irregardless of the cost. But as Cersei Lannister grimly notes "when you play the Game of Thrones, you win or you die."

The Iron Throne of King's Landing

So there you have it. Five (not so quick) intro pieces to help ease your transition into the time of Westeros. I do have high hopes for the series, but I don't really see it lasting past three. Why? Budget. Game of Thrones spreads across continents and which each passing book becomes more and more grand, and more and more mystical. To the point which I'm just not convinced HBO will be able to, or want to, sustain the cash flow required to be as accurate to the book as the commercials for this first installment claim to be. Even still, the novels are an amazing read and I do encourage those of you who have not had the opportunity to check them out, to take it.

Off Topic w/ Univarn

Dear Media,

Shut up about Charlie Sheen. We get it, he's gone off quicker than cheese on a black metal plate in middle of summer in Africa. To be honest, that really is the end of the story. Anything more than that and all you're doing is pandering to the lowest form of humanity - those who simply enjoy watching someone crash and burn.

And for the record, no. Charlie Sheen's latest concert turnouts or recent interviews do not count as news. It certainly doesn't count as justifiable content to sneak in after the latest Japan death count, but just before that quote you have from members of the Libyan rebel movement (actually happened). If anything, you should be required to sacrifice ten minutes of airtime, and lose nine commercial slots for every time you try and pull that one on those of us who actually care about events going on in the world. I can't believe I have to tell you about this.

Yes, I expect this from diatribe vacuums like E!, Entertainment Tonight, and the like because that's what they do. But you're not those channels. You're supposed to be the news. If you want to partition off part of your show and title it "Things Nobody Should Care About" and dump in the latest Sheen, Lohan - or whomever is the (alleged) drug laden whacked out celebrity of the moment - then go for it. That way, when I see that title stroll onto the pixels, I can whip out the channel changer and move along.

As a news network it is your job to present the viewer with broad accounts of things like this that don't matter, and do in depth accounts of things that actually do. Sorry, but I don't want five minute interviews on just how bonkers Charlie Sheen is compounded with a two second update on the Japanese radiation levels. That is by all accounts 'back asswards' (think about it).

Then again, news networks have been doing this for years. By ever increasing the amount of covering pandered towards things people overtly "care about," they've slowly undermined the very building blocks on which our society operates. Of course it's not nearly as cool to know about health care practices as it is to be up to date on the latest Jersey Shore rumors. Then again, only knowing one of those things will stop you from dying. Hint for those playing at home: it's not Jersey Shore rumors.

But it's not enough that these things simply occur in isolated levels. No. With 24 hour news and dozens of channels taking part, everyone has to get in on the latest craze. "OMG did you hear what Lady Gaga did yesterday!? Hey, I don't remember there being chains on the front door of the bank. Strange, is there a concert going on tonight?"

Sincerely Annoyed,

Univarn