Spoiler Overdrive

One weekend. That was it. That was all the time it took for a trailer whose entire point is built on misdirection to have been spoiled for me. And while I'm perfectly willing to accept the argument that it is only a trailer, I can't help but feel deprived the feeling of being engulfed in the trailer's humorous third act - sort of - twist. But the sad thing is I would be inclined to forgive this if it only occurred every now and again, but it's a disease. These spoilers. The Zombieland surprise cameo didn't even make to the release date before every review had made certain to post it in giant bold letters, spreading throughout facebook and twitter quicker than any sickness. I couldn't even get within five feet of Splice before someone had posted a key scene from the film in the opening sentence of their review (often what I use as a judge on whether or not to continue reading).

Then, as Fletch pointed out with his usual pin-point intellectual precision on a recent episode of the LAMBCast, you have the news. Nobody knows just about the new franchise blockbuster coming out next week. We know the size of each roll, the background of each character, their favorite jokes, how the film will play into the grand scheme of the series, what the director intended on doing, how many actors are signed to multiple film contracts, and whether or not the crew liked to use double bubble or big red. It's unreal.

*BEGIN SPOILERS*

You read this didn't you. Most everybody does!
If anything, you're drawing attention here...

*END SPOILERS*

Now, I would be far from honest if I didn't say I was as guilty of this as anyone. But I do my best to keep spoilers reserved solely for films that have been out a good while. Doesn't make it right, but at least I try. Some people you can't even say that for. And the worse part about it, their spoilers offer nothing to their posts. There's no analysis. No insight offered that may aid me in gaining something else I wouldn't normally get by knowing the ending ahead of time. It's just "OMG I COULDN'T BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED!!!!" Now, I have to. Because I don't get a chance to be shocked by it happening. I go in knowing it's going to happen.

But surprise is the key component of any film. The tension derived from the unknown outcome. Even in dramatic irony, it's the knowledge that what may happen next is out of our control that reaches in and drives out our sweat, fear, and emotions so intensely. However, these days if I want to know about a movie before everyone else tells me about it, I have to watch it before anyone else does.

I just wish I understood why they do it. Or even worse, why people are so willing to walk into these posts one after another as if nothing is going on. Maybe it's an obsession with information. That craving to keep having something 'new' and 'hip' has reached levels so extreme, we just can't stop. The news providers and the news readers in equal measure. The news sites have to have continuously new content, otherwise people won't read and they won't get revenue. The news readers have to be up to date on the latest news, otherwise they might be left out of the big comings and goings of their inner social group.

How do we overcome this frustrating tidbit of society? Well, as I can see it, the only way out is in. We have to spoil every movie. Every movie in the history of cinema. Only by doing so can we fully appreciate all films on an even keel. So, kick in Kathleen Turner Overdrive, bring out your dead all along, and throw on a bit of that funky the president did it beat. It's spoil time!