Deep in the valleys of Landio Foreigndia there exists a monk (as noted by the bald head) who has seen the end of time, and the dawn of a new era. This moment of enlightenment was so magnanimous he hurried to his feet and began the twelve year journey back to civilization. Unfortunately his tale was cut short when a production crew ran over his six thousand year old bandwagon because it was hurting their light. Lost and without the supplies to carry on, he fell to his knees, fighting with every instinct he had against the rising darkness. But his time had passed. And in the lonesome wilderness stretching for miles in all directions he whispered "was that the guy from G-Force? What a shit movie..." before giving in to that eternal loss known as Death.
*shrug* Not like you read all that anyways :)
Wide Releases:
The Hangover 2: The Hangover in five seconds - "OMG Dude, what happened last night?" "I don't know, but I've got this love letter from Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott thanking me for the wonderful evening..." "Hey, why don't we check this camera which seems to be following us around everywhere." "Ah, groom on roof. Asian man in car. Heather Graham riding off into the sunset with a better career choice. Let's take care of this rubbish and go home ASAP." *all at once* "Right." THE END. There you have it. Now, what about Hangover 2? Just film two hours in the life of Charlie Sheen, show it only to a theater in Detroit. Easy said, easy done. Why doesn't Hollywood ask my advice more often? Well, technically they never have, but still.
Kung Fu Panda 2: Ah yes, no better way to spend Memorial Day than with a bunch of drunkards or overweight kung fu master animals unworthy of pet status. Seriously, Pandas are evil! Why don't people see it? Just look at a photo of them and you can see it in their eyes. Let them out of captivity and wham, full out war. I swear it. Yeah yeah, endangered species my ass. It's all part of their plan. To heck with your grassy knowles, non-moon landings, and aliens. This is a real, viable threat. To arms people, to arms! This is only the first attack. Soon, the real war will be on us. I predict it will occur on October 21st of this year! Take that, Harold Camping... we'll see who chickens out first.
Limited Release:
Tree of Life: Only four theaters, but the moment of truth is upon us. Is this the Cannes Palme d'Or winner, or the splitting cry of boos and cheers? Having experienced Malick's films, it's probably a bit of both. So, here's to me... because in a few months time when I finally see this, I'll either be pissing off fans or haters of Malick's latest film by daring to be indifferent. Oh, woe is the life of a perpetual apathetic soul.
Well, there are you options. Brave them well, and enjoy as best you can! For next week we finally get into movies I actually want to see!
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