Five Films Actors Would Rather Forget About

You know, it's hard being an actor. Honestly, you never know whether the next film you're about to do will be the summer's biggest hit, miss, or the last paycheck anyone will bother signing your way. So I don't begrudge them the roles that make our heads do more 180 degree turns than Linda Blair at an international Polka competition (aka greatest thing on earth). Of course, that doesn't mean I'm going to forgive them either. No, I like to wear them like battle scars - more emotional than physical, however in some cases those emotional pains go real deep.

So, without further ado I give you five performances that, given the opportunity, I feel the following actors wouldn't mind so much were they to have been 'accidentally' wiped from all record:

5. Gary Oldman as That Guy Who Kinda Made Matt LeBlanc Seem Like a Talented Actor in LOST IN SPACE

The Original Spider-Man. *Fight the Power*

4. Amy Adams as That Girl Who Looks Nothing Like She Will In the Original Film Even Though This is a Prequel and is Inexplicably Named the 2nd Installment Even Though It Makes F*@( All Sense When Compared To the Original in CRUEL INTENTIONS 2

Hey, it's not that I don't like Amy Adams. It's that everybody needs a reality check sometime. So chill out about there Adams apologists!

3. Paul Giamatti as The Overgrown Smurf Forced to Share Screen Time With Frankie Muniz and Amanda Bynes to the Eternal Shame of all Who Bore Witness To This "Film" in BIG FAT LIAR

Coincidentally this is how I look after my weekly Jazzersize class.

2. The Entire Cast of Battlefield Earth Because All These Years Later We're Still Laughing at You, Not With You in BATTLEFIELD EARTH (might seem redundant to mention the name of the film but I'm ok with that)

The best part about this film is that it pretty much killed most white male's efforts at getting dreadlocks

1. Robert De Niro as... as... as.......... Seriously, What in the Hell Was He Thinking? I Mean... My God... It's Just... GAHHHHHHHHHH in THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKY & BULLWINKLE

Seriously, next thing I know you'll be doing shit cop thrillers with overpraised mediocre rappers. I mean... wait? Oh dear god, no....

Ah, memory lane. It smells a bit like a junk yard just after a three hour mating ritual featuring all the sweaty people from Zion. On the plus side, more dreadlocks. On the downside, Laurence Fishburne's gap is also a portal to Narnia so we've those annoying kids running around the place.