Prepare to enter: THE RANT ZONE!
Wide Releases:
Rango: I feel like I've just woken from a coma and all of a sudden Johnny Depp's name had become synonymous with Tyler Perry. Why do I say that? Well did you know Johnny Depp was in this? They only tell you about fifty times in the commercial, and just in case you don't believe them they randomly cut to him on multiple occasions dressing vaguely like his character just to prove it. Really? Is this was marketing has come to? "LOOK IT'S SOMEONE FAMOUS THAT YOU'RE STATISTICALLY LIKELY TO ENJOY!!!!!! GO WATCH THIS MOVIE NOW! HERE HE IS AGAIN! OH THERE HE IS! OMG IT'S HIM AGAIN! PLEASE WATCH OUR MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Bah humbug. While I appreciate the effort to not ram every joke in the film down our throat before we actually see the film, the alternative is equally annoying. Is there not a third option where you show a couple jokes, mention a few people in it in passing, and try to sell the film on quality alone?
The Adjustment Bureau: Are these the people you call when your pants have gotten a bit tight and you're in dire need of a quick tug and 'adjustment', as it were, but are in a public place and would look a bit like you're fondling yourself? If so, that's a rather high quality business to be in and I wouldn't mind their number. Judging by the prevailing presence of Matt Damon, Emily Blunt, Anthony Mackie, and that one guy from Mad Men, I somehow doubt it. Which is a shame, so much potential, wasted on what looks like a frail Fringe spin-off.
Take Me Home Tonight: Ah yes, the '80s. I remember them oh so well. There was that year where I spent a lot of time crying and drinking milk. That other year where I spent a lot of time crying and eating glorified blob. Then of course, who can forget, that other year where I was yelling, crying, and pooping simultaneously while eating a sandwich. The good ol' days. I hate to sound incredibly rude, but can we shut up a bit about the '80s? Some people are obsessed with them. Let's be honest, the music was fine, the clothes were crap, and the movies are held up by the top 5th percentile while the rest were things most of us would weep if we had to sit through it again. So please, I know we can all be a bit nostalgic at times, but don't pretend as if your nostalgia stems from anything more than longing to relive a fictional childhood you've over-glorified.
Beastly: "Love is Never Ugly" - the writer of this tagline was obviously born after the whole Roseanne - Tom Arnold marriage... Here's what we've gotten so far from CBS Films: Extraordinary Measures, The Back-Up Plan, and now Beastly. My god, are they making movies or training videos for future mass murderers? It's like someone looked at the world of cinema and said: "People like inspirational - check. People like romance comedies - check. People like flamboyant mythical creatures - check." What's next? The breakthrough action film Super Robot Kaboom? Because people obviously pay money to see machines blow stuff up so we should go in that direction. Have any of them ever read a script before? This is the kind of stuff that would make Ed Wood roll over in his grave.
Limited Releases:
HappyThankYouMorePlease: I know this is an indie film, but would it really have cost that much more for a bit of spacing? People have enough trouble with the English language, we don't need them struggling to decipher what this incredibly long word means. At best you're going to get some that sounds a bit racist.
I Saw the Devil: But I did not shoot the Lucifer? ........ *crickets* fine then, be that way.
The Human Resources Manger: OF DOOM! Dun dunnn dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. No more sandwiches at your office! Word.
Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Live: I really don't care what this is about, they had me at Boonmee.
So, anything here that moves you in a theatrical direction? And by that I mean in the direction of a theater, not as if you were being directed for a performance at one. You know what, never mind.
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