/fail - forgive me.
Wide Releases
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps: Of course it doesn't sleep, it's an inanimate object! If anything a better title would be Wall Street: Money's ******* DEAD! Let's look at the evidence: #1 can't do anything - #2 never moves or perform any self propelled action - #3 never speaks or performs any act of thought -- therefore the only logical conclusion is that money is either dead or asleep. How about - Wall Street: Money Always Sleeps. Not quite as appealing, but I'd say a sight bit more accurate. This title just makes no sense to me at all. What the hell does money not sleeping have to do, if we buy that premise, with anything? Money never sleeps, therefore we shouldn't? Without sleep we die, money doesn't. That would make for one hell of a sad movie. Everyone just dying at the end from sleep deprivation.
Legend of the Guardians: The Owl's of Ga'Hoole: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Yeesh, wake me when the medication wears off. I'm one of those supporters of Zack Snyder's Watchmen, even his slow-motion erotica, 300 (let's be honest that's what it was really all about), but this movie just looks like two pills and a quick knockout to me. I'm sure it'll be visually impressive, but I don't have the patience to watch birds fly for two hours. Granted, animated films such as this seldom offer me anything I care for. Things like - character, story, heart, emotion. I'm sure there's a few fine actions sequences, but can we stay awake long enough to get to it?
You Again: Signs your movie sucks - When your best marketing strategy is the people in the movie, and nothing about the movie. I love lots of the talent involved with this, but after having seen a commercial for it (hadn't heard about it until two days ago) I'd rather compete in a slapping match with a chimpanzee for two hours. Oh, I'm sure it'll be perfectly suited for its target demographic (women aged Snarky to Contrived), who enjoy seeing the same thing over and over again...
Limited Releases
Buried: Ryan Reynolds buried alive six feet below earth... and I thought all my prayers went unanswered. Oh, it's just a film.... fine, I'll take it. There is an interesting competition this year between Buried and 127 hours for which claustrophobic trapped man film will be more appealing. I've got my money on 127, but you know, lighters and wood can be awesome.
Waiting for "Superman:" Well it's about time. I've been waiting for years for Superman. A documentary about my trials and turmoil finally presents itself. Can I just say: vindication at last! Oh, it's about the education system. Well... close enough, right?
Howl: AAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Too literal? Fine, be that way. You ruin everything!!!!!
You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger: He will then try to sell you car insurance, followed by a Snuggie, and of course the inevitable Kia. Man, do I miss the good ol' days where you didn't need Google Maps to be a peeping tom. The quality of our on the street strangers has really gone awry. Notice Woody Allen says nothing about liking him. You'll meet a tall dark stranger, and he'll be an asshole. Welcome to Hollywood - koalas drink free!
Enter the Void: Down two blocks, take a left, and straight on through the giant nothingness. Be careful though, once you enter the void there's no McDonald's so be sure to stock up ahead of time.
Well, ladies and gents that about does it for me here. Be sure to tip your waiters, slap your camels, and as always - don't mess with pigeons.
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