[3.50/10] LOL (2012)

LOL (2012)

QuickRating: Demi Moore's engaging performance and one or two enjoyable moments aside, Lisa Azuelos' tasteless coming of age dramedy, "LOL", certainly lives up to its silly title - it's laugh-out-loud cheesy, ridiculously predictable and overstuffed with tons of tired cliches, and not even Miley Cyrus' mouthwatering cuteness and sugary charm can save it from being an instantly forgettable ho-hum teen flick with cheap TV-series feel to it.

[3.50/10] Area 407 (2012)

Area 407 a.k.a.
Tape 407 (2012)

QuickRating: Although it sounds somewhat promising on paper, the one dimensional characters, poor production values, clumsy camera work, cheesy special effects and truly unimaginative script quickly put Dale Fabrigar and Everette Wallin's lazy, lackluster effort into the 'found footage at its very worst' category. There's a lot of screaming, shouting and chaos in "Area 407", but barely any scares and suspense.

[3.50/10] Apartment 143 (2012)

Apartment 143 (2012)

QuickRating: Arguably the worst Spanish horror movie in years, as well as one of the weakest horrors presented in a 'found footage' style, "Apartment 143" offers nothing new or even remotely original to set itself apart from the bunch. The viewers may struggle to figure out whether it's about a demonic possession, a paranormal entity or a ghost story, plus, it's dull, boring, cheap-looking, far from frightening, and not nearly as creepy as it thinks it is.

[3.50/10] Piranha 3DD (2012)

Piranha 3DD (2012)

Brief review: Two years ago, French director Alexandre Aja managed to deliver a campy, funny, enjoyable and over-the-top gory reboot of "Piranha", that hit all the right notes. Now in 2012, "Feast" director John Gulager attempts to take things one step further, but fails miserably on pretty much ever single level. His rather unnecessary sequel promises to double the amount of horror, action and blood, but it's essentially a (much) worse version of 2010's "Piranha 3D", that relies heavily on the success of its well-executed predecessor. From the laughable double D title, to the terribly-written script, total lack of imagination and amateurish acting, everything about "Piranha 3DD" is a disaster, and it should have sent the movie straight out onto the DVD shelves, where it belongs. There's one decent thing about "Piranha 3DD", and this is the end credits, which are funnier than the actual movie. Visually and technically, this sequel also fails to succeed. Gulager's direction is all over the place, the CGIs are cheesy at best, and the piranhas themselves look like badly-made rubber toys. At least gore fans will be pleased, even though the gore itself is unimpressive and unsatisfying compared to the first movie and lacks the 'cool' factor. All the characters are one-dimensional and quite dumb, and Danielle Panabaker aside, not a single person here can act, not to mention David Hasselhoff's laughably bad cameo.

Overall summary: Unfunny, poorly-crafted and ridiculously copycat-ish, John Gulager's "Piranha 3DD" dares to compare itself with Aja's version, claiming it doubles the action, the terror, the gore and the nudity, but the only thing it doubles, no triples, successfully is the stupidity.

[3.50/10] 7 Nights of Darkness (2011)

7 Nights of Darkness (2011)

QuickRating: Aside from the fairly creepy location and a few decent scares, everything about this 'found footage' horror flick sucks badly - the premise is painfully familiar, the acting is terrible, the characters are daft and annoying, the camera work is exceptionally bad, and it screams cheap and amateurish. "7 Nights of Darkness"?!? More like "90 Minutes of Yawning Boredom"...

[3.50/10] The Change-Up (2011)

The Change-Up (2011)

QuickRating: Body switching plot? Again? What year are we in?! 1995?! David Dobkin, couldn't you come up with something we haven't seen a thousand times before? Obviously not. Despite its appealing and talented on-screen duo and a couple of amusing moments, "The Change-Up" suffers badly from its hackneyed premise, truly uninspired script and unmemorable jokes, and it's embarrassingly dumb and far from hilarious most of the time.

[3.50/10] The Devil Inside (2012)

The Devil Inside (2012)

Brief review: January has always been the month of low-grade horror flicks, but 2012 had a rough start and really hit the bottom with "The Devil Inside". The biggest problem of the film does not lie in its premise, because the latter is fairly passable, but it lies in its lame execution and absurdly abrupt ending, that leaves the story incomplete. In fact, if the film had a proper ending, it could have been at least watchable, but instead it ends up being a stupid mess of exorcism cliches presented in a barely believable documentary style. Moreover, a couple of creepy scenes aside, "The Devil Inside" offers nothing scary, devilish or even remotely disturbing, and that's probably the worst thing that can be said about a horror movie, especially one involving the devil. On a technical note, the film is also heavily flawed. Although it uses similar tricks as all the other 'found footage' flicks, such as clumsy filming technique and realistic 'no filters' cinematography in order to give it a more real-life feel, there are certain scenes where it's more than obvious that more than one camera has been used, which ruins the authenticity of it completely. With the exception of Suzan Crowley, who does a fairly solid job as the possessed mother with forbidding behavior, the rest of the performances are sub-par to say the least. Fernanda Andrade is just plain bad as the lead character, Isabella, and the supporting cast is forgettable.

Overall summary: While not necessarily the worst horror movie ever made, "The Devil Inside" remains a cheap, cliched and poorly-crafted mockumentary, that not only does not contain a single scare, but also features one of the most shockingly endings in film history.

[3.50/10] Munger Road (2011)

Munger Road (2011)

One-sentence review: Neither scary, nor creepy, nor remotely suspenseful or effective, "Munger Road" suffers badly from its cliche-ridden script, cheap execution, and lack of entertainment value.

[3.50/10] Madison County (2011)

Madison County (2011)

One-sentence review: Boring, terribly unoriginal, amateurishly acted and very poorly-executed, "Madison County" is one of those indie horror film that desperately tries to look like a slick, mainstream one, but truth to be told, slashers don't get any worse than that.

[3.50/10] Uninhabited (2011)

Uninhabited (2011)

QuickRating: Aussie film-makers have brought us some great horror flicks over the past few years ("The Loved Ones" anyone?), but sadly, "Uninhabited" doesn't rank as one of them. Although it is set in a beautiful, yet utterly claustrophobic location, and it sounds very good on paper, it is totally ruined by an incompetent direction, amateurish performances and incredibly anti-climatic ending. On the top of that, it's un-scary, thrill-free and constantly boring.

[3.50/10] Beastly (2011)

Beastly (2011)

Brief review: Loosely based on Alex Flinn's 2007 novel of the same name, "Beastly" plays like a modern version of Beauty and the Beast, but instead of paying a tribute to its source material in a refreshing sort of way, the movie ends up being a laughably cheesy romance, crafted with zero imagination whatsoever. Pretty much everything about "Beastly" feels contrived, rushed, fake and downright ludicrous, due to its uninspired and horribly-written script, full of countless cliches, absurd situations and lame on-liners, and Daniel Barnz's incompetent, lackluster direction. Even the moral message of "Beastly" that says 'It's the inner beauty that matters', feels dated, hackneyed, and way far from modern reality. Aside from some luxury indoor settings, and a couple of pretty shots, "Beastly" is nothing-to-write-home-about in terms of visuals - it's ugly inside and out, just like its main character. The make-up effects are quite poor as well, and as a result, the 'beastly' Kyle looks more like "300"'s Xerxes, rather than an actual freak. The acting is also atrocious. Alex Pettyfer is the new Hayden Christensen - good-looking, yet dull, lifeless, and lacking in acting skills. Vanessa Hudgens is pretty mediocre, while Neil Patrick Harris delivers in his role as the blind teacher, Will.

Overall summary: Dull, poorly-written and terribly-acted, "Beastly" is not only one of the worst movies of 2011 so far, but also one of the cheesiest romantic stories ever put on film. It's so bad, that any cheap TV version of "Beauty and the Beast" would be more worth-seeing.

[3.50/10] Gulliver's Travels (2010)

Gulliver's Travels (2010)

Brief review: Loosely based on Jonathan Swift's classic novel of the same name, "Gulliver's Travels" is the first live-action full-length movie by director Rob Letterman, who should have stick with what he does best (animations), as his version of Gulliver's Travels is a poorly-crafted and written fantasy comedy, that tries hard to make fun of other popular movies, but instead of being hilarious and enjoyable, it falls flat on its face. The usually funny Jack Black is completely wasted here, as he plays a rather unlikable and pretty annoying character, who instead of making the movie more entertaining and amusing, contributes to its mediocrity, or should I say dreadfulness. Emily Blunt are Jason Segel are both very talented, but it barely shows, due to their underwritten characters. "Gulliver's Travels" is just as unimpressive, visually. With the exception of the vortex sequence, and the Transformers-like robot scene, there's nothing remarkable or at least interesting about this movie, in terms of settings or special effects. Thankfully, I didn't pay a thing to see this garbage, and saw its 2D version, therefore I can't comment on the 3D effects, though I deeply doubt those would have been the film's saving grace.

Overall summary: Rushed, surprisingly unimaginative and horribly-executed, "Gulliver's Travels" is both, the dumbest movie of 2010, and Letterman's disastrous failure.

[3.50/10] Little Fockers (2010)

Little Fockers (2010)

Brief review: While the first two installments were mildly watchable at best, this unnecessary sequel is just a stupid, lazy and hardly enjoyable piece-of-crap comedy, that relies on its supposed-to-be-funny script and an A-list cast, but it falls flat on its face. The plot is nonexistent , and gags are either cheap, or awkward, and lacking in any sort of originality. Although the main focus is on Stiller and DeNiro, their characters are such an idiotic losers, it's hard to find them funny or likable. Streisand and Hoffman as the over-the-top crazy parents are as hilarious as they were in the previous installment, but it's Jessica Alba that surprises with some good physical comedy skills, though her character is often annoying and dumb as a rock. The little Fockers themselves are adorable, but unfortunately, they barely appear on screen. Teri Polo as Mrs. Focker is, well, just there. Owen Wilson's aim is to increase the 'fun level' of the movie, but he's just not amusing at all. "Little Fockers" is a pretty standard fare, technically, as Paul Weitz's direction is nothing-to-write-home-about, and both the production design and the cinematography are too plain and uninteresting.

Overall summary: Lame, stupid and painfully unfunny, "Little Fockers" is a completely pointless sequel, that fails to deliver genuine laughs or anything else. It's just "fockin" stupid.

[3.50/10] Somewhere (2010)

Somewhere (2010)

Sofia Coppola's fourth full-length feature film revolves around Roguish Hollywood star Johnny Marco, who finds his debauched life of excess unexpectedly interrupted when his 11-year-old daughter shows up at the Chateau Marmont Hotel for an unscheduled visit. Later, as father and daughter reconnect, Johnny begins to reassess his sordid lifestyle. With "Somewhere", Sofia Coppola has proven to the general public yet again, that she's one of the most boring and unimaginative filmmakers working today. She could be easily described as, well, overrated. As many of you know, her second film and so-called masterpiece, "Lost in Translation", was very well-acclaimed by the critics, but truth to be told, it was a pretty mediocre effort, with no heart and soul, and crafted with zero imagination. Unfortunately, very few had the courage to admit it publicly. Believe it or not, Coppola's latest film is even worse. This dreadful bore-fest should have been called "Nothing" instead of "Somewhere", as this film is neither dramatic, nor humorous, nor interesting, nor touching, nor intriguing, nor gripping... nor anything. It's just a big nothing. Watching "Somewhere" is as exhausting and frustrating, as watching a paint dry, since absolutely nothing happens throughout the entire film. To comment on the story is rather impossible, too, as the film feels like a bunch of random scenes thrown together with very little to no plot. Technically, "Somewhere" is also a lackluster. Sofia Coppola's direction is so weak, and uninspired, it borders on amateurish. She uses a lot of long and static camera shots and unnecessarily prolonged scenes, just to artificially extend the running time of this film, and as a result "Somewhere" becomes even more tiresome and ineffective. There is some nice, mostly indoor scenery that pictures well the luxury lifestyle of a celeb, but that's about it.The performances should have been the film's main strength, but sadly, those are hardly satisfying. Stephen Dorff is an okay actor, but he's neither talented, nor charismatic enough to carry a movie. His performance as the lonely and asocial Hollywood celebrity is flat, lifeless and unengaging, just like the movie itself. Dorff's character is so dumb and narrow-minded, he never fully realizes what a boring, selfish and monotonous life he lives. However, Elle Fanning truly shines as Johnny Marco's young daughter, Cleo. Fanning is so sweet and likable, and she acts so naturally in front of the camera, it's fascinating. She plays the only genuinely likable character in the entire movie, and you can't help but wanting to see her on screen more often. The supporting performances are pretty mediocre, without any real standouts. All in all, there's almost nothing to like about Sofia Coppola's "Somewhere". I dare to say, it's the most pointless, tedious, pretentious and uninteresting film of the year. And I've seen "The Killer Inside Me".

• My Rating: 3.50/10
• Rotten Tomatoes: 77% (6.8/10)
• IMDb: 6.8/10