It All Ends: The Final Obligatory Weekend Movie Post

It has been to my great shame all these years that it was so long before I answered the call to literature. For over two decades I wallowed in the cries anti-reading under the presumption that there simply existed no books to which I would ever be engrossed. I was wrong, and that's not the easiest thing for me to say. It took an act of willpower to get me to finally cave in and read some books on my own accord. Not to mention an onset of 'left out' syndrome.

So, with that a little over a year ago, I picked up the first book I wanted to read for my own in nearly a decade (prior that it was just school). That book happened to be Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Flash forward two months and I was wrapping up the Deathly Hallows. Crack addicts were looking at me and going 'damn.' And from then on, I was hooked. I re-read the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Plunged into the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And capped it all off with a brief stroll through Westeros and the four books of A Song of Ice and Fire. Now, I'm working my way through the His Dark Materials trilogy, and will soon cap that off before I take on either: Sherlock Holmes the complete works, Something Like an Autobiography - Akira Kurosawa, or A Dance With Dragons (the fifth book in the ASoIaF series).

Ah, what a journey it has been. A journey I desperately want to avoid acknowledging the ending of, but alas so it ends. And so I shall be there this weekend, ready and waiting to embark on my last journey to Hogwarts and the world of Wizardry... well until the eight film super extreme ultimate fan pack comes out on DVD.

However, that is not all I am here to talk about today. Today will also mark the last entry of the Obligatory Weekend Movie Post series. Over 80 installments, and enough eye rolling and gut busting to make as proud of it as anyone can be. It has been a personal favorite of mine since I first started doing it in August of 2009, and I will be saddened to say farewell to such a strong feature on LiE. But of course life goes on, and beginning next Friday I will have an all new series ready and wanting for you to enjoy!

So please join me in saying farewell to the world of Harry Potter and the randomness that has come to define The Obligatory Weekend Movie Post! Enjoy your weekend, everybody.

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 07/08/2011

Somehow I feel like this is that god awful week just before the Super Bowl, but just after the semi-finals. You know the one - where all the analysts keep talking about how awesome next weekend will be, while at the same time desperately trying to make this weekend's "All Star Game" seem somehow exciting. "Oh yes, this game will be packed with all your favorite players... 90% of which have backed out, but still!!!!!!"


Wide Releases:

Horrible Bosses: I was looking forward to this until it fell into the most vile pit of all - the all day comedy central special. It's a level of "oh this will definitely suck" which I have come to call "The Strange Wilderness Honorable Craptastic Film of the Year." Early reviews seem promising, but in all honesty I've been lost to a sea of bah humbugery from which there is no clear escape. Not even the vague promise of Jennifer Aniston sexing it up can put me back on the straight and narrow. I'm a lost cause. Hopefully, for those who venture out to see it - this movie isn't.

Zookeeper: Alright, I may be reading into this a bit much, but is it just me or does this film reek of Hitch screenplay leftovers with a tad of Doctor Doolittle thrown in (and of course Night of the Museum)? Kevin James as the fat guy with a good heart. Leslie Bibb as the random blond chick he wants. Obviously the animals are nothing more than a sad effort to replicate the Will Smith charm. All capped off with the sexy Latin girl thrown into the mix - Rosario Dawson. Though somehow I doubt Dawson and Zoo "Hitch" Animals will end up together in the end and she'll probably just settle for Kevin James. Shame, this movie might have been worth the price of admission otherwise.

Limited Releases:

Project Nim: I've been interested in this since I first read about it at the Dark of the Matinee. Shall be interesting to check it out, though I'll likely end up waiting until the DVD.

The Ledge: I know nothing about this film, and it seems as if that goes for lots of people writing about this weekend's release. Not too surprising though, as everything I've read about it generally involves a solemn plea for you to stay as far away as is humanly possible.

Well, that's all I've got for you today! Hope you have a great weekend.

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 06/23/2011

Oh, here we go again.

Wide Releases:

Cars 2: Who would have thought it would ever come to this? Pixar struggling to come close to a Cameron Diaz vehicle for the week's top RT score? While I'm not among the contingent who struggles to breath at the mere mention of Pixar, I do hold them in high enough esteem to feel a bit saddened by this. However, to all my doom and gloom readers, take solace in these two facts - 1) Every studio/director/writer or any high caliber has at least one black sheep and 2) Larry the Cable Guy has to be on the downswing by now... seriously... please... anyone? That said, I have some relatives who believe Cars is Pixars best, so I'm sure they're happy. Oh look - Jason Isaacs sighting, win!

Bad Teacher: Hey look, it's Cameron Diaz as Stereotypical Ditzy-Sexy-Sporty-Bitchy Cameron Diaz! With a double dose of poor career woman looking for a man to deal with all the tough for her! Oh, and to get the man she needs a boob job, isn't that just so precious? It's like misogyny wrapped in the veil of empowerment. You go girl... only so far as the guy will let you. Oh, and Segal - you need to back off man. Amy Adams and Cameron Diaz in the same year? You're pushing it. Phyllis Smith... carry on.


Limited Releases:
Apparently this week is the dumping ground for every limited release :\

Conan O'Brien Can't Stop: Being in the way of my plans for global domination..... must find way to destroy his hair.

Turtle: The Incredible Journey: You had me at Turtle...

Leap Year: For the record, you should avoid any passing references to berated rom-coms when making the transition from much praised acclaimed foreign film to English speaking base.

A Better Life: It has to be Weitz... the one two punch of Golden Compass and New Moon was a bit harsh by even the most generous of rating standards.

Alright folks, that's all I've got for you this week - enjoy yourselves!

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 06/17/2011

Wide Releases:

Green Lantern: Green Lantern light!... light green lantern? please? shit... alright, there's only one method left to us. All humanity rides on it, so everybody join hands. Quick, get together. On three. One... Two... Three....... CLAP ON! CLAP OFF! Clap on, clap off. Green Lantern! Oh god, it didn't work. Fairwell sweet humanity. The Green Lantern, not likely to be watched at a theater near you, today!

Mr. Popper's Penguins: In all honesty Jim, this is pushing your luck. First you go after Ewan McGregor, and now all you've been left with is nonstop Penguins? I'm a bit offended, and I'm a tough one to offend. But it's your career, so do with it as you will. Just recognize, you best back off Carla Gugino, I done called that already! Some lines you just don't cross. But I'm a fair man, you can keep Phillip Baker Hall, and as lovely as he is, I consider that an even deal.

The Art of Getting By: Hey, it's Freddie Highmore... and that chick who is related to Julia Roberts, but is not actually Julia Roberts! Oh Freddie, I remember the good ol' days. You were making movies people wanted to see, didn't look like you had been kidnapped by a clan of rejected Beiber stylists, nor giving off the frail sense of Josh Peck dirty seconds. Oh Rita Wilson and Alicia Silverstone sightings, this one must surely be a winner. On the plus side, Jarlath Conroy is a shoe in for the annual Thomas Chong look alike competition. Yay!

Limited Releases:

Buck: My name is Buck and I'm here to... wait a second, you mean this is an entirely unrelated film? Well, there goes my interest level.

Jig: The 40th... Irish.... Dancing... World... Champions... I think I'm going to cry.

Page One: A Year Inside the New York Times: Shit man, you did some serious time up in that joint! All those people out in Iraq, Libya, Syria, and Afghanistan are really saying their prayers tonight, begging they don't get sent to such a sadistic institution like the New York Times... them with their 'liberal' bias and... and... and... Frappuccinos! I'm surprised you made out of there alive. To be honest, this documentary couldn't look less interesting if they put Bob Dole up there for two hours to give a speech on lightbulbs.


Well ladies and gents, I'm sorry to report that's all I've got for you. On the plus side, plenty of opportunity for you to get off your rear end and check out Super 8 or X-Men: First Class.

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 06/10/2011

The day of reckoning is upon us. No, not that one, do I look like Harold Camping? I'm talking about it being Super 8 release day! *shivers in corner* please be good, please be good, please be good.

Wide Releases:

Super 8: Psyched, worried, curious... if this movie bombs I'll be sorely depressed. Not with respect to box office take, with respect to quality. I've read a lot of reviews criticizing the movie for being too much of an homage, but that really doesn't sound like much of a criticism to me. Not saying they're wrong, I can't say until I've seen it, but I can't recall the last time I read so many reviews from people talking themselves out of giving a positive score to a movie they admittedly enjoyed. We shall see...

Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer: How is this movie getting a wide release in the middle of the blockbuster season? Seriously? How? Can anyone explain that to me? I don't know anyone who knows anything about it, anyone who is anticipating and waiting to see it, let alone anyone who thinks it'll be a success. So what is it doing here? Not just that, but Heather Graham? I know The Hangover wasn't exactly the return to form she was hoping it'd be, but damn... low blow... real low....


Limited Releases:

Trollhunter: *shrug* Nordic horror films for the win?

The Trip: This movie/tv show/mini-series/whatever has been working its way around the map a long time before finally coming on over here. Love Rob Brydon's off-kilter dry comedic style, and Coogan has been completely wasted by his US castings. Would love to see this turn out golden.

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 06/03/2011

You will remember me from those other movies. You will remember me from those other movies

Now, normally this is one my favorite posts of the week to write. Mostly because it's the one most guaranteed not to be read, which in turn allows me to say the most obnoxious and insensitive things without fear of repercussion. The downside is, I'm not really in the right frame of mind to perform tonight. So I thought I'd call in some of my best friends from the cinema to take over. Unfortunately they are all a bit narcissistic, so please bear with them.

Wide Release:

X-Men: First Class: Hello, I'm Ben Stein and I'm here to talk to you about dry eyes. Wait, I'm being told that I am not here to talk to you about dry eyes. In fact, I'm only here because some stupid white kid thought it would be funny to try and sneak in a Ferris Bueller repetitive name calling to the class joke solely because the movie I'm now being pegged against has the word 'class in it.' That and the fact that this is the least annoying of the four main career moves I've made. After all, spending my nights staying up watching TV and yelling at Jimmy Kimmel "I made you mofo!" has gotten a bit tiring. However, I think we can all agree that was a sight bit better than my roles in Son of the Mask and Casper. Now excuse me, I have to go sell souls on the black market. Bitches cost money. Stein over and out.

Limited Releases:

Submarine: Hello, I'm Paddy Considine. You know, that awesome guy from all those movies you were too cool to watch. Remember me in Dead Man's Shoes or In America? No, of course you don't. How about Hot Fuzz? Oh come on, I was one of the two guys with a mustache! OK, I think I've got it now. Remember Bourne Ultimatum? Yeah, the really good third one. Right, now stick with me here. Remember the reporter? No? Shit. OK, remember the guy who shows up, talks to Matt Damon and then gets shot in the train station? Yeah!? That was me. There, now that you know who I am, allow me to tell you more about Submarine. What? No time left? Oh for fuck's sake! OK, well at least check me out alongside the very talented Noah Taylor, Sally Hawkins, and Richard Ayoade! What? You've not heard of any of them either? Seriously, sort your shit out.

The Lion of Judah: Hey, remember me? I'm Ernest Borgnine and I'm here because of my involvement in the upcoming animated 3D Christian allegory film, The Lion of Judah. Wait, what? I'm in whaaaaat? Son of a bitch! I didn't know I was still alive! And this is the kind of crap I'm stuck with? All right, all right, I admit it. Doing McHale's Navy with Tom Arnold was an incredibly stupid idea! But haven't I suffered enough? Come on, please take me back! I'll behave. If it helps, I'll go on a Charlie Sheen coke and drinking binge, and start taking out two pornstars a night! Seriously, get me out of this hell hole!


There you go. There's some other movies coming out, but nothing worth the effort of typing out their name. On the plus side, Midnight in Paris and The Tree of Life are both expanding this week (the former considerably more than the latter). So, you should be certain to check your local theaters for that!

Enjoy.

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 2: Legend of the Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 5/27/2011

Deep in the valleys of Landio Foreigndia there exists a monk (as noted by the bald head) who has seen the end of time, and the dawn of a new era. This moment of enlightenment was so magnanimous he hurried to his feet and began the twelve year journey back to civilization. Unfortunately his tale was cut short when a production crew ran over his six thousand year old bandwagon because it was hurting their light. Lost and without the supplies to carry on, he fell to his knees, fighting with every instinct he had against the rising darkness. But his time had passed. And in the lonesome wilderness stretching for miles in all directions he whispered "was that the guy from G-Force? What a shit movie..." before giving in to that eternal loss known as Death.


*shrug* Not like you read all that anyways :)

Wide Releases:

The Hangover 2: The Hangover in five seconds - "OMG Dude, what happened last night?" "I don't know, but I've got this love letter from Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott thanking me for the wonderful evening..." "Hey, why don't we check this camera which seems to be following us around everywhere." "Ah, groom on roof. Asian man in car. Heather Graham riding off into the sunset with a better career choice. Let's take care of this rubbish and go home ASAP." *all at once* "Right." THE END. There you have it. Now, what about Hangover 2? Just film two hours in the life of Charlie Sheen, show it only to a theater in Detroit. Easy said, easy done. Why doesn't Hollywood ask my advice more often? Well, technically they never have, but still.

Kung Fu Panda 2: Ah yes, no better way to spend Memorial Day than with a bunch of drunkards or overweight kung fu master animals unworthy of pet status. Seriously, Pandas are evil! Why don't people see it? Just look at a photo of them and you can see it in their eyes. Let them out of captivity and wham, full out war. I swear it. Yeah yeah, endangered species my ass. It's all part of their plan. To heck with your grassy knowles, non-moon landings, and aliens. This is a real, viable threat. To arms people, to arms! This is only the first attack. Soon, the real war will be on us. I predict it will occur on October 21st of this year! Take that, Harold Camping... we'll see who chickens out first.

Limited Release:

Tree of Life: Only four theaters, but the moment of truth is upon us. Is this the Cannes Palme d'Or winner, or the splitting cry of boos and cheers? Having experienced Malick's films, it's probably a bit of both. So, here's to me... because in a few months time when I finally see this, I'll either be pissing off fans or haters of Malick's latest film by daring to be indifferent. Oh, woe is the life of a perpetual apathetic soul.


Well, there are you options. Brave them well, and enjoy as best you can! For next week we finally get into movies I actually want to see!

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 5/20/2011

You know, it's times like these we learn to love again... It's times like these we learn to live again... or something like that. It sounds better when a proper band is singing. Even better if I organize the lyrics into the correct order. On the plus side, I did save money on my car insurance last year by not getting a ticket and staying with the company I've always been with. Suck on that television marketing!

Wide Release:

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides: Stranger Tides? As opposed to what exactly? Those Tides that you know rather well from the golf club where you two play on Sunday? Sure, I know about High and Low tides. We've met. However, I'm not sure I'd say we were buddy buddy. I mean, I like them. I just don't like them like them. Know what I mean? And to be honest, they can be a bit turbulent to know as is. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like when you start dealing with their lesser known cousins. Always cast aside in the limelight. In fairness, Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz, if someone were to run at me with that much mascara on, I can't say I'd be the most cordial either. And you took along Geoffrey Rush? What did you expect? That guy is bonkers!

Limited Releases:

Midnight in Paris: Woody Allen - check. Rachel McAdams - check. Marion Cotillard - check. Owen Wilson - ch... che... achooooo. Crap, happens to me every time. Especially lately. Woody Allen makes another film, I get all excited, and then he features a star I have an allergic reaction to. Now I don't mean to sound all mean and cynical (yes I do), but something about Owen Wilson just makes me want to throw an angry kitten at him. De-clawed of course, I'm not a Bond villain (or am I? I am hurting kittens by ripping their claws out after all). The most important thing to take away from this is (Uni's subconscious should not be allowed out in public) I probably will see this... one day... on DVD (while crying and eating a bucket of ice cream - *girl power*)... along with many of the other Woody Allen movies (the crappy ones) I've avoided due to my (disgust) disinterest with his leading stars.

In the honorable words of Porky the Pig, that's all folks.

Public Service Announcement: No women were impregnated by Arnold Schwarzenegger during the making of this post. Although Liam Neeson did impregnate the entire female population of Long Beach.

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 5/6/2011

Wide Releases:

Thor: I'm feeling very self-conscious at the moment. All these superhero movies of late keep reminding me of the fact that my hair lacks a decisive amount of buoyancy. Sure, I've got a few curls at the top, but their receding, and odds are I'll be staring as Clint Howard in an upcoming biopic. Not to mention the fact that apparently having superpowers isn't enough for them, they also have to be in mint physical condition - even if they have a massive drinking problem (yes, I'm looking at you Stark! No beer belly? Really? Come on now...). So please forgive me if I seem a bit trite in my judgmental ways, it is just jealousy after all. Them, jealous of my obvious superiority intellectually that the only way they can compensate is through physical methods. Ha, I laugh at their feeble efforts. Now, off to the bat cave! Well, I say bat cave... I mean mother's basement. Stereotype fail :(

Jumping the Broom: Look it's beautiful people from different sectors of society, *gasp* having to come together! The outrage! How dare these filmmakers put rich and poor people on the same screen, have they no decency? Next thing you know they'll be making movies about white people and black people, talking to one another! Good god men, this is a most troubling time for us... the last of an ancient tribe. Idiots. *end of sarcasm* Oh, yeah, the film. Paula Patton = yay. The rest = ok then. The plot = you smell a bit familiar. Off we go!

Something Borrowed: Your plot? Your characters? Your style? Heck, even your poster looks like the poster for every romantic comedy released in the last few years. Oh, and your tagline: "It's a thin line between love and friendship" might just win the 'most potential for excessive use as a euphemism' of the year award - so at least when you bomb against two movies that, most likely, will absorb most of your fanbase, I'll say best of luck to you. If you bank over $30m then people are just desperate.

Limited Releases:

The Beaver: YES! IT HAS COMETH! Now, off to begin picketing my local indie theater until it picks it up. Seriously, there will be hell to pay if I have to wait too long.

Last Night: You had me at Eva Mendes. You lost me at Sam Worthington. You got me back with Keira Knightley. You... Guillaume Canet? *shrug* (I kid, I kid). Besides, you know how I know this movie is a must watch? Its credits boast the single most powerful actor ever to grace the cinematic screens. Griffin Dunne!!!!

Hobo With a Shotgun: Unless the next words are 'danced the Macarena,' I'm not buying it. Sure, this might be a great exemplification of mindless entertainment, but I require all homeless people in movies to dance the macarena a minimum of two times before I'm willing to accept the film as plausible. You can debate amongst yourselves the severe childhood trauma that I must have endured to gain that particular mindset.

The Be Dragons: I post this because I really wanted this to be good. The 18% on rotten tomatoes informs me that hope was woefully unfulfilled. On the plus side, it's nice to know Wes Bentley is still trying to relive the magic he never experienced ten years ago when everyone was going all out... to not see Four Feathers.


Well ladies and gents, that's all I have for you this week. Be sure to tip your waiters. Don't go overboard on the liquor. And always, always, slap your knees twice before betting on chicken racing.

Have a good one!

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 4/29/2011

Yo dawg, your goatee be whack yo!

Ah yes, the smell of the summer blockbuster season. Is it just me or does it smell oddly of some horrid mix of sweat, testosterone, and moldy milk?

Wide Releases:

Fast Five: You know, it's incredibly easy to make fun of this film. I honestly don't even have to try. The trailer does all the work for me. And I know, people like me aren't the targeted demographic for this movie. Mostly because people like me couldn't care less about 1) fast cars 2) douches 3) fast car driving douches or 4) omg moments so riddled with plot contrivances that even the lowest form of thinking humans go "wtf mate?" Yet, this is what counts for entertainment these days. Brains barred, none stop 'mommy make the car go vrooooom' duuuuuuude mentality which has infected - yes, infected - too many movies. Wake me up when Super 8 comes out.

Prom: A moment of honesty on here - I didn't go to prom. And for good reason, I have no interest in prom, the schenanigans that go along with it, or this movies frail attempt at making it seem like some bastardization version of Pretty in Pink meets Dazed in Confused with horrid undertones of Gleemania (sorry, I am not amused). Am I one of the rare early 20 something curmudgeons who derives some pleasure from belittling things that look moronic to me? Yes, and that's nothing new. And neither is this. Therefore go forth those of you who look upon this and think "fun" - I shall be more than cheerful at home, indulging in foreplay with Burton and Taylor.

Hoodwinked Too! Hood Vs. Evil: My god, what a title. I feel like I've died and gone to the lowest form of movie title hell. Too instead of Two? Hilarious! Hold on while I struggle to keep my milk in my nose while simultaneously struggling to keep plates on my arms in an over the top fashion. But that wasn't enough for you people, was it? You had to go 'Hood vs. Evil' - I've typed that twice and already my soul has formed a black hole in the universe. Why? Dear everything that is good and intelligent in this universe, why? I'm going off to a corner for some peace, this is just too painful.

Limited Releases:

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night: Fanboys charge! I'll still be the guy off in the corner mumbling to himself about the damned kids on his lawn.

Cave of Forgotten Dreams: Son of a bitch! That's where they've all gone? And Herzog got there first? Crap! Now I'll never get them all back. By the time I get there the dream I had about winning the lotto will have been mutated into this trying tale of me winning the lotto in the middle of South America as I slowly struggle through a detainment camp before ultimately getting into a bar fight with a grizzly bear.

13 Assassins: Take Seven Samurai's basic plot, throw in a @(!*load more action and bloodshed from a guy known for his 'colorful' take on the latter, and you get one hell of a polka routine. Seriously, this looks like it might be good fun, if not over the top ridiculous, but I think this is the type of ridiculous I can get behind.

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 4/22/2011

I apologize for this being a bit late, but in the mountains and a lack of internet have left me with little option.

Wide Releases:

Water for Elephants: Ouch. I know Reese Witherspoon has for all intensive purposes disappeared into a black hole of absolute drivel, but to call her an elephant? Seems a bit harsh. Then again, when you cheat on Christoph Waltz for Robert Pattinson, you get what you deserve. I don't care how bad Waltz is, he can't be that bad. Unless of course he smells, but you're more into smellers. Oh, such a sad world.

Madea's Big Happy Family: Simply put - the only reason I would ever watch this is if you paid me. Beyond that, I have about as much interest in this as I have in watching David Hasselhoff talk about how close he is with his daughter.

African Cats: Because Disney has a *@(!load of money to kill and nothing better to spend it on.

Limited Releases: Hey look, it's that guy again who did all those 30 days things a while back for that show which was based on his movie! He's doing something else! Yay! Now put on some damn pants. However, it is nice to watch Hollywood finally take some heat for their incessant product placement. I don't mind you driving an audi - just don't feel the need to zoom in and slow motion past the logo every time the car takes a turn!

Incendies: After Mad's massive praise for this film, it ranks numero uno on my 'too watch' list. If it is in my neck of the woods, NC-Wise, then I'll be sure to track it down pronto.

Other Limited Releases - Stake Land, When Harry Tries to Marry, and The Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen Zhen

There you have it folks. Watch, enjoy, review, and be sure to have a great weekend!

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 4/15/2011

Wide Releases:

Scream 4: If you couldn't believe the shocker ending from those previous three attempts we've given at this, you won't believe this one! Odds are they're going to kill a major character, or make that major character the killer. Pretty much the only alternative left to the series unless they intend on doing another "this is how it all started" spin that's sucked this series dry. Then again, they did kill of Liev Schreiber... YOU NEVER KILL THE SCHREIBER!!!! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, I got a bit worked up there... NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *goes into a corner and spends the next few hours weeping*

Rio: Hey look it's cute flying animals with the one that can't fly being all goofy! Oh you silly little wanimal, being oh so silly willy bidilly. Seriously, I'm reaching the boiling point on quasi-family, family animated films. I feel like I could use a good year off to just recollect and go dive into some classics before I'm unable to process the differences between them at all. The formula has just become way too plain, and those who don't see it seem to bomb epically in every way except box office results. To be honest it's just disheartening.

Limited Releases:

The Conspirator: Signs your indie film isn't all that great: You're directed by a big name. Robert Redford - check. You feature several big name stars. James McAvoy, Tom Wilkinson, Danny Huston, Evan Rachel Wood... Justin Long and Alexis Bledel (just go with it) - check. Nobody has heard of you, and you've had not discernible marketing done on your behalf. Check and check. Well, to those who seek this one out, best of luck to you.

Other Releases: Atlas Shrugged Part 1, Armadillo, The Princess of Montper, Footprints, and The Double Hour

Well, there you have it. This weekend's menu from which you get to make your selection. Bon Appetit.

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 4/8/2011

Fasten your seat-belts ladies and gents, this ride's about to get bumpy!

Wide Releases:

Arthur: After dozens of commercials, promos, posters, and interviews, I believe it is safe to say we all know the real thing you're expected to take away from this film. No, it's not Russell Brand is good at being obnoxious. Nor is it Jennifer Garner is still every geek's fantasy (so true, minimum requirement for geek admittance). Heck, it's not even that Helen Mirren is still hotter than Jessica Alba (yeah, I said it). No, the real take away is this: HOLY SHIT THAT'S LUIS GUZMAN! THE GREATEST ACTOR EVER!!!!! If you think I'm being sarcastic, you are sorely mistaken.

Hanna: I have a simple rule of thumb for trailers - never trust them if they feel the need to crop their image and put the release date above the images being shown. It's not a scientific method, but it just screams desperate for me. Now I know this one's doing the best of the weekend lot in the land of Rotten Tomatoes, but that doesn't suede me all that much. You know what does? Saoirse Ronan... I'm starting to feel like those creepy middle aged guys who obsess about Hannah Montana, watch old Britney Spears videos, and used to ask when Lindsay Lohan was going to become legal. I'm not there - yet - but it's a fine line between desperately wanting to see every thing this girl is in and wearing striking blue contacts and screaming 'omg' at every press event for her. Let us hope when that time comes, I'll ere on the side of laziness and just not bother with it.

Soul Surfer: Dennis Quaid, what happened to you man? Your brother goes so far east of sanity that even Charlie Sheen thinks he's out there, and here you are trying desperately to scrap together a career in unintelligible roles that will never amount to mainstream success. Pandorum? Legion? Soul Surfer? Come on! You were the only bearable thing in American Dreamz, Day After Tomorrow spiked for excitement but crashed when people had to think, Vantage Point got repetitive quicker than a irish jig, and let's not even get started on about G.I. Joe. PLEASE! I LIKE YOU! Stop doing this to me. I can't take it anymore.....

Your Highness: Life's so much easier when two of my biggest actress crushes aren't staring together in a movie I couldn't even locate on a interest spectrum. Oh forgive me, I know I'm going to wholly regret the day I end up watching this.

Limited Releases:

Born To Be Wild: Orphan Orangutans and Elephants... oh dear, bring out the tissues, I have a feeling this one is going to set of the spigot.

Meek's Cutoff: From the direct of Wendy and Lucy (which I haven't seen) comes a film about Oregon settlers in the 1800s. Sounds interesting enough, but I'll wait for feedback before making my move.

Ceremony: I know it's mean to the guy, but the son of Henry Winkler - officially making him Fonz Jr. - has made a movie. So, why do I care? OMG OMG OMG LEEEEEE PACE!!!!!!! The rest of this movie could be entirely pigeons singing polka, good ol' L.P. is all I ever need.


So there you have it. Your weekend movie releases to shuffle through (or ignore - whatever)! Enjoy yourselves and be sure to make it a good one.

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 4/1/2011

You know what today is? It's the much beloved "Hey ignoramus, there should be an apostrophe after 'Fools'" day! My favorite day of the year. I get to frolic about the office loudly judging and insulting all those who would dare forget that apostrophe. Why? Because I'm just better than everyone else. Fact.

*sits and waits for comments to roll in on all the grammatical mistakes in that opening prose*

Wide Releases:

Source Code: You have eight minutes to perform the same act over and over again. If you fail, the whole world will suffer. If you succeed, chickens will invade your mind and you'll miss your opportunity to nail Michelle Monaghan... and that would be the greater shame. Quick question, any chance of her donning the Mrs. Clause attire once more from Kiss Kiss Bang Bang? A guy can dream.... can't he? However with my luck it'd likely turn out that Gyllenhaal is wearing it, and I would be forever scarred.

Insidious: Wait, James Wan and Leigh Whannell... where have I heard those names before? Oh yeah! They're the guys behind that really brilliant horror film. You know, the one that redefined the way we look at horror. Gave life to a genre that was stuck on conformity and cliche. Saw? No not that one. I'm talking Dead Silence! Donnie Wahlberg 4 life. Best Wahlberg brother. It's a shame he isn't in this. If he was, I'd be half tempted to actually bother watching it. Though I'm sure the solid reviews mean it will be a worthwhile expenditure of my time if I ever do, horror just isn't my genre.

Hop: *shrug* Look at the bunny do silly things? Meh. I'd rather spend two hours watching a leprechaun tap dancing instruction video directed by Martin Scorcese and starring Alan Alda. Then again, who wouldn't prefer to spend their time that way? I'll tell you who, the same people who will go watch this just because it's a kids movie. Shame.

Limited Releases:

Super: You know the one where Ellen Page is totally playing a not-Juno Juno role with Rainn Wilson totally playing a not-Dwight Dwight role. Sucks being typecast, eh?

Cat Run: Holy crap, is that a D.L. Hughley sighting? I thought he was dead! Christopher McDonald too? This movie is full of win. Heck, I'd watch it for Paz Vega alone! Wait... oh no... oh dear god no... from the director of Into the Blue and Blue Crush *what you are not saying here is an involuntary act of gagging*. What a waste. Where's Dominic Sena when you need him? Wait, ignore that comment. This is obviously affecting my mental capabilities.

Rubber: The more I see the commercial for this, the more I think it looks like utter crap just waiting to be ate up by the cult masses.

Other Releases: In a Better World, Trust (David Schwinner tackling child abuse with Clive Owen - still trying to wrap my head around that one))


For those of you who care, The King's Speech PG-13 version is supposed to come out today to 1000 theaters. If that's your thing. Either way, enjoy your weekend!

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 3/18/2011

A dude triple royal. However, only one of them can win. Assuming of course anyone cares enough about any of them to bother.


Wide Releases: 

Limitless: No red pill/blue pill? No sunglasses? No rabbit hole? This is some BS. Since The Matrix it is an established rule of cinema science that you're not allowed to have pills without intermittently splicing in some pseudo-philosophical hubjub! If Bradley Cooper doesn't get into a fight with robots at some point, this movie will be a total failure. Universal truth. You can't deny it. By the way, Robert DeNiro playing second fiddle to Cooper? Have I fallen into some sort of portal? First half dollar man, now this... man RDN, you've changed.

The Lincoln Lawyer: 82%. I am not lying to you. That is this movie's RT score (as of 9:40 eastern 3/17). Wow. If you had asked me three months ago, I would have written a book on why this movie will suck on a level beyond compare. How could I have doubted the double dude power of McCauckangakjdwiawyi (close enough) and Phillippe? It's like the poor man's Gere-Norton. Wait, if that's true, does that mean Marisa Tomei is just another Laura Linney? If that holds then William H. Macy is totally Andre Braugher. OK, I'm sorry. This is getting way too complicated. Besides, I'm not even going to begin to guess who is the priest.

Paul: You know, a few years ago I met an alien in the desert. Was a very eye opening experience. He told me all the secrets of the universe, how to make the perfect cake, and where to move in case of an invasion by killer spider-monkeys. Very exciting stuff. However, as you are aware, this sort of information doesn't come cheap. Therefore if I tell you, I am forced to turn you into a pig-kangaroo from Neptune. Sorry. Oh yeah, by the way - Pegg + Frost = yay!

Limited Releases:

Win Win: Paul Giamatti - you complete me. Or you would, if I needed completion.

The Butcher, the Chef and the Swordsman: 2011 - the year of awesome limited release titles.

The Music Never Stopped: You had me at J.K. Simmons

Winter in Wartime: Hey, MOM! Timmy got his winter in my wartime!!!! *cries* Lame. Still, this looks interesting.

Other Releases: Cracks, and Bill Cunningham New York


Sorry about the delay. As of late, Blogger seems to randomly kick some of my blog posts to draft at the pre-scheduled post time. Annoying, but nothing I can do about it.

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post: 3/11/2011

In case you spent yesterday vehemently debating the possible locations I could have disappeared to given the lack of a blog post yesterday, allow me to make some clarifications:

1. No, I was not invading a foreign country with a Swiss Army Knife in one hand and a Salomi in the other.
2. No, I did not find a secret portal to a foreign world, and am now living like a God (Sean Connery style) amidst desert people.
3. No, I was not attending an international convention of Univarns, debating the process by which we would ensure our immortality.

Truth be told, I'm in the Mountains on vacation, have limited internet access, and even less phone access. So, you can imagine the number of posts I shall be presenting over the next few days will be limited at best.

HOWEVER, I would like to bring to your attention a post I just became aware of, only a few moments ago. AWARDSDAILY.com, headed by writer extraordinaire Sasha Stone, took my blog post Film Criticism vs. Social Criticism to the next level and visualized its relation with the Academy and Critics. Be sure you give that a read!

Now, let's get to this.

Wide Releases: 

Battle: Los Angeles: Oh Paul Greengass, this is the eventuality of all your shakiness - movies which take shaking their groove thing to a level that nauseates the blind. Oh, Battle: LA, I want so desperately for you to be an amazing experience - in the realm of Cloverfield. But a whimpering 34% on RottenTomatoes and early reviews clambering the woes to be behold, have lead me astray. Leaving me with only one simple call "are we there yet?"

Mars Needs Moms: You know, I honestly have almost nothing to say about this one. There's a 'jive' talking alien whose hip with earth lingo. As aliens invariably are. Too much time reading our twitter feeds and invading our personal lives through bugging our phones. And you thought it was the government. Ha, silly you.

Red Riding Hood: A girl dressed in red cast against the backdrop of pearly white. Oh Catherine Hardwicke, you've stepped up your game from "I want to hear you say it" to downright "she's going to get nailed" imagery. Add to that the existence of werewolves, who are well known for their smelling powers, and I foresee plenty of opportunity for you to try and recreate that Twilight magic. Best of luck, if this bombs... you're going to need it.

Limited Releases: 

Elektra Luxx: Carla Gugino... still one of the all time cinema moms. Thank you Spy Kids for the memories.

Jane Eyre: The trailers did little to inspire me in this regard, but seeing some of the early feedback, this may just be one of the 'must sees' early this year. I do love where Mia Wasikowska is going with her career, and hope to see it continue on the rise.

Black Death: Sean Bean, between this and Game of Thrones, you're really stepping up the Medieval swordplay films with some fantastical underlying. I'm amped up for GoT, but this one leaves me wanting.

Kill the Irishman: Irishman, Irishman, doing whatever an Irish can! Irishman, Irishman, going around killing a lot of random Americans. Hey, did you know this has Christopher Walken and Val Kilmer in it? Win.

Other Releases: Certified Copy, Monogamy, 3 Backyards, The Desert of Forbidden Art, Redland, I Will Follow, Harvest, Foreign Parts, Around June

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, enjoy your weekend!

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 3/4/2011

Prepare to enter: THE RANT ZONE!

Wide Releases:

Rango: I feel like I've just woken from a coma and all of a sudden Johnny Depp's name had become synonymous with Tyler Perry. Why do I say that? Well did you know Johnny Depp was in this? They only tell you about fifty times in the commercial, and just in case you don't believe them they randomly cut to him on multiple occasions dressing vaguely like his character just to prove it. Really? Is this was marketing has come to? "LOOK IT'S SOMEONE FAMOUS THAT YOU'RE STATISTICALLY LIKELY TO ENJOY!!!!!! GO WATCH THIS MOVIE NOW! HERE HE IS AGAIN! OH THERE HE IS! OMG IT'S HIM AGAIN! PLEASE WATCH OUR MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Bah humbug. While I appreciate the effort to not ram every joke in the film down our throat before we actually see the film, the alternative is equally annoying. Is there not a third option where you show a couple jokes, mention a few people in it in passing, and try to sell the film on quality alone?

The Adjustment Bureau: Are these the people you call when your pants have gotten a bit tight and you're in dire need of a quick tug and 'adjustment', as it were, but are in a public place and would look a bit like you're fondling yourself? If so, that's a rather high quality business to be in and I wouldn't mind their number. Judging by the prevailing presence of Matt Damon, Emily Blunt, Anthony Mackie, and that one guy from Mad Men, I somehow doubt it. Which is a shame, so much potential, wasted on what looks like a frail Fringe spin-off.

Take Me Home Tonight: Ah yes, the '80s. I remember them oh so well. There was that year where I spent a lot of time crying and drinking milk. That other year where I spent a lot of time crying and eating glorified blob. Then of course, who can forget, that other year where I was yelling, crying, and pooping simultaneously while eating a sandwich. The good ol' days. I hate to sound incredibly rude, but can we shut up a bit about the '80s? Some people are obsessed with them. Let's be honest, the music was fine, the clothes were crap, and the movies are held up by the top 5th percentile while the rest were things most of us would weep if we had to sit through it again. So please, I know we can all be a bit nostalgic at times, but don't pretend as if your nostalgia stems from anything more than longing to relive a fictional childhood you've over-glorified.

Beastly: "Love is Never Ugly" - the writer of this tagline was obviously born after the whole Roseanne - Tom Arnold marriage... Here's what we've gotten so far from CBS Films: Extraordinary Measures, The Back-Up Plan, and now Beastly. My god, are they making movies or training videos for future mass murderers? It's like someone looked at the world of cinema and said: "People like inspirational - check. People like romance comedies - check. People like flamboyant mythical creatures - check." What's next? The breakthrough action film Super Robot Kaboom? Because people obviously pay money to see machines blow stuff up so we should go in that direction. Have any of them ever read a script before? This is the kind of stuff that would make Ed Wood roll over in his grave.

Limited Releases:

HappyThankYouMorePlease: I know this is an indie film, but would it really have cost that much more for a bit of spacing? People have enough trouble with the English language, we don't need them struggling to decipher what this incredibly long word means. At best you're going to get some that sounds a bit racist.

I Saw the Devil: But I did not shoot the Lucifer? ........ *crickets* fine then, be that way.

The Human Resources Manger: OF DOOM! Dun dunnn dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. No more sandwiches at your office! Word.

Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Live: I really don't care what this is about, they had me at Boonmee.


So, anything here that moves you in a theatrical direction? And by that I mean in the direction of a theater, not as if you were being directed for a performance at one. You know what, never mind.

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 2/24/2011

I know this link may be a little late, but better so than never! In addition to doing the battle royale with the ever lovely R-squared, I was also asked to take part in another event this week in relation to the oscars - however, this time the films at hand were under my control! BITCH ABOUT IT - courtesy bitchinfilmreviews.com - groups together a variety of bloggers and let's us say whatever we damn well please. Which is good, because I'm never short on things to say.

WIDE RELEASES:

Drive Angry 3D: What is it about driving that makes people go mental? You can put the most serene, charitable man in a car on the interstate behind someone going five under and he'll say things that would make Samuel L. Jackson blush. So forgive me if I fail to get giddy about a film whose title defines most drivers. You make a movie entitled Drive Peacefully 3D and then I'll come to the bargaining table. However, this movie does have David Morse in it. That's got to count for something right?

Hall Pass: You know, I originally wondered why the trailers for this movie looked like a series of blatant rip-offs from comedians I enjoy being repacked into a pile of rubbish, then I noticed the directors. Oh Farrelly brothers, how you've managed to garner such a fan base on basically making the same film over and over again is well beyond me. Really? The chloroform joke? It was funny the first time I heard every comedian in the world use it about 10 years ago (see: Jimmy Carr). However, the rest of this movie just looks like a bad rehash on non-existent jokes which will likely flatline by the thirty minute mark. No thank you.

LIMITED RELEASES:

A bunch of stuff I haven't heard a thing about but may be interesting.

Of Gods and Men: France's Oscar submission that failed to garner a nomination but I've heard some good things through the grapevine.

Heartbeats: Well, it's Canadian... that's about all I know really.

The Grace Card: You know, the one where everything works out right because of imaginary friends. Don't mean to downplay religion, but really - this is among the lowest forms of exploiting beliefs for religious profit. Granted it doesn't even compare to the 'get out of hell free' cards they were passing out (for a nominal fee) hundreds of years ago.

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 2/18/2011

Derivative, repetitive, unwanted. No, that's not the name of my latest hip hop group, it's the defining qualities of this week's releases!

Wide Releases:

Unknown: As Emma Thompson once appropriately pointed out, Liam Neeson is "sex on legs"... which is probably why I can't thinking about him. Well, it's either that or the fact that every time he punches a bad guy five women get pregnant. Scientific Fact - you can't handle that guy.

I Am Number Four: Sucks. Having to wait out your life hoping numbers one through three can get knocked off just so you can finally get the movie deal of your dreams. Sorry DJ Caruso, you're nothing without Shia. He made you.

Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son: This movie's existence is a plague on all our houses. Oh Martin Lawrence, I remember when you were an edgy young comedian with prospects of a long term film career. Now, even Kat Dennings couldn't make BM2 bearable and you've become relegated to the roles of 'obligatory black friend' and rehashing movies you already made that weren't very successful. So, who's up for Bad Boys 3?

Limited Releases:

Vanishing on 7th Street: Brad Anderson, director of The Mechanist. Oh really? I'm interested... Hayden Christensen, star of more "let's just not ever mention it again" films than I can remember. OK then... Thandie Newton. Not helping matters. John Leguizamo. Gave the best performance in The Happening if that counts for anything. Well, maybe this will be alright. You never know.

Other Releases: I Am, Immigration Tango, Even the Rain, Brotherhood

Well, that's all folks! Happy weekend movie watching. I, for one, will be checking out The Social Network for a second time before we get heavy into Oscar gear.

Obligatory Weekend Movie Post 2/11/2011

With Hollywood films like these, who needs enemies?

Wide Releases:

Just Go With It: Psssst, did you know Brooklyn Decker has boobs? I know!? Who would have thought such high level confidential secrets would be released to the public? Well, I for one must thank Just Go With It for allowing us to finally realize this. Their tireless efforts to making sure every individual watching the Superbowl saw them in slow motion, over and over again, helped pave new roads for the future of humanity. Now if only they would utilize their gravitational force to suck the film onto itself and finally kill it off once and for all then maybe, just maybe, we can all find the beauty in life.... nah.

Gnomeo & Juliet: On some level I admire this film for taking a literary classic and deciding it needed the gnome and slapstick humor makeover. It takes firm dedication and commitment to not only writer, produce, and eventually release the film, but they went above and beyond the call of duty. They marketed it. I for one salute you... granted I'm only doing so ironically. In actuality I'd rather have not seen a single commercial for you. Somehow I feel I would be better off that way.

The Eagle: Has Landed? Yeah, not much to say about this one really. Yay Jamie Bell? Yay Donald Sutherland likely dying early on in the film? *shrug*

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never: Never. There. Take that. Yeah, I'm a rebel. What of it? You know you can't handle this! You know the world of cinema is in a bad shape when a documentary about Bieber is the highest rated film being release on RT. Could it be that critics are finally being worn down by all these films? I hope not, but you couldn't get me within ten miles of this film even if it had the gravitational pull equivalent of the sun.

Limited Releases:

Cedar Rapids: Ed Helms is usually hit and miss with me, so forgive me if I'm not rushing out to see this anytime soon. We'll see how it plays out sooner or later, but I'm not holding my breath.

2011 Oscar Shorts: I hardly ever get a chance to see these so if it's playing in your area give it a go, will yah?