"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it" - Lena Horne.. [This a great quote that was shown at the Oscars, and it seems appropriate relative to The King's Speech as well]
I'm posting this early to get my predictions here online, and I'll come back later and post the winners..
winners are highlighted in gold, and with an [AA]
Best Motion Picture of the Year
127
Showing posts with label 2011 Oscars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2011 Oscars. Show all posts
The LiE Oscar Non-Prediction Predictions!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
In ancient times greatness was decided by your expertise in hunting, foraging, and mating. Fast forward a few millenia and greatness is decided by your nobility, or talent in wide scale battles. Tack on the last couple and now we determine greatness by your ability to earn plated gold items for popularity and sporting contests. My my, how times have changed. On the plus side, we now get fabulous costumes and Joan Rivers! Win-win I'd say.
Now you already know my dreams for this year's Oscars, so I believe it is time that I step up to the plate and lay down some real Oscar predictions. Well, in my own way. You see I've generally felt throughout the years that trying to predict the Oscars is a bit like trying to predict whether or not Elmo is gay. Nobody's going to tell you, but deep down we all kind of know what's going to happen. And unless at some point Sean Penn stumbles onto the stage in a half-drunk tirade and begs James Franco to take him back, I'm not going to win the Oscar pool at the office. So, here we go. My non-prediction Oscar predictions.
Best Picture: I really can't decide who I want to win this category more. The group of white people with a good chance, or the group of white people with a bad chance. You know what, I'm going the distance and saying 'insert hip film of the moment' is going to take home the gold!!!!
Best Director: I know! OMG, I can't believe they didn't give a nomination to Edward Zwick! Wait, what? Christopher Nolan? Never heard of him.
Best Actor: We all know this win is going to on a one way train to Firth land. If it doesn't, we're picketing. Oh, and please cut it with the "but I wanna see Eisenberg" whine, I like him, and he was great, but Firth was perfect.
Best Actress: Pregnant Portman vs. potential Warren Beatty signing... *cries* this is like so totally hard.
Best Supporting Actress: Do you believe in miracles? Yeah, me neither, however I wouldn't mind seeing HBC whip out a wand and go in an all out duel with Steinfeld and Leo. Would only be the most amazing Oscar battle ever.
Best Supporting Actor: AND IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING APPROXIMATELY FOUR BATMAN LEATHER NIPPLE SUITS, IT'S CHRISTIAN BALE!
Best Original Screenplay: Yo Nolan, we beez surry aboutz da no luv 4 u Inception. Hur ye go wit dis pitty Oscur. Yeah right, like that'll ever happen
Best Adapted Screenplay: Let's see if we can decipher a message using only the second word from each nominee: Grit, Hours, Social, Bone, Story. Nope, I'm getting nothing. You?
Best Animated Feature: You know what Toy Story 3 was missing: Daniel Day Lewis. It really needed a milkshake and bowling pin. Missed opportunity.
Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the least useful Oscar predictions you'll read this year.... or ever. Have a good night everyone.
Let the Battle Begin: Oscar Style
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
A special thanks to the Rosses for invited me to take part in this event. Was a lot of fun and would gladly do it again, if asked. Also, major love to my fellow battle members for their great contributions.
Top 5 2011 Oscar Dreams
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The Oscar Nominees are in (in case you haven't heard... only 99.9% of the blogs are informing you as such). Well, ladies and gentlemen, the call for Univarn to make his predictions is present. The Univarn Oscar predictions are an esteemed tradition of intellectual analysis, striking at the very heart of the year's issues. Films are torn apart under my scrutinizing eyes. Dissection becomes the new form of declarative superiority with me as the helmsman, charging into the assailing mobs with a large metallic shield in one hand and a great, shimmer long sword in the other.
In other words, I make up a lot of stupid stuff and hope to hell one of them actually happen. Never do though... perhaps I set my dreams too high? Anyways, here we go!
1. Paging Zebra For the Head Butting Scene... I dream that at some point during the 2011 Oscars Philip Seymour Hoffman will approach the stage, in his usual half-drunk half-drugged manner, and stare intently towards the other side. From behind the curtain shall emerge a Black-White Stripped African American Horse (aka Zebra). The BWSAAH shall then snort two times, but not three, for in place of a third it will instead lower its head. An act which the Seymour Hoffman shall return. With each slamming a foot/paw against the ground several times in an intimidating factor, William Shatner will beam onto the stage. He will scream "Ready. Set. HEAD BUTT!" and the BWSAAH and Hoffman shall charge, as fast as their legs dare take them, towards one another. Ramming the crown of their heads, a cloud of smoke will arise... and we shall all eagerly await the return from the commercials when the winner shall emerge.
2. Never Give Up, Never Forget to Thank the Academy... I dream that at some point, preferably during the best acting categories, one of the winners will forget to thank the academy. They shall turn from the camera, and head in the predefined direction off of the stage, when all of the sudden what should appear but.... Tim Allen in sunglasses and a mustache (preferably Snidely Whiplash but I'm not particular). Tim Allen will walk over to the befuddled Oscar winner with determined strides. No manner of auto-cue music will interrupt his quest. Upon reaching his destination, he will remove a glove from his back pant's pocket. Embroidered on the glove will be the face of Oprah and the inscription "Supreme Goddess of the Health Channel." None too carefully Allen will slap, using the appropriate wind and air speed trajectory, the Oscar winner twice across the face. They will forever be shamed.
3. Bankrupt? But We Haven't Even Started Yet... I dream that just as the curtains roll back and Anne Hathaway and James Franco slowly make their way onto the stage, a strange man in a Chinese outfit (Rush Limbaugh is who I hear they usually hire for these things) will stroll out onto the stage. The man will be wearing sunglasses, have a translator beside him, and proceed with the following declaration: "We propose a trade" - which his translator will then repeat in Chinese in case any of them can afford to watch (if this confuses you, you're on the wrong blog). Franco and Hathaway will stand rather perplexed until the Chinese businessman (as I will call him) finishes his proposal. "We will forget all the debt of America," he will say, "if you will give us Dora the Explorer." To no avail shall the Francoway combo plead with the man that Dora the Explorer is not real. Alas, the offer is too good to pass up. So they make a phone call and in ten minutes Justin Bieber is brought in with a Gyllenhaal-esque tan and bowl cut, black-dyed hair. To which the translator will say "close enough" and grab Bieber and take him away from here forever.
4. Go Go Godzilla... I dream that upon accepting the award for whatever random category they won in, a brand new Oscar winner will make a slip of the tongue and say "I'd like to thank Godzilla for this award." Suddenly the room will shake, a cold breeze will fly throughout, and shrieks of fear will drown out all. Panning up the camera will reveal none other than Godzilla himself (or herself) standing firmly above the theater(preferably also sporting a Snidely Whiplash mustache - come on people it just makes everything better!). With a glint of cheer in his (or her) eyes he (/she) will say "thank you, after all these years you finally show your appreciation." By this time the newfound Oscar winner will have realized the mistake and be desperately seeking a way to recant. Unfortunately no such situation will arise and they will have to simply apologize. It does not go over well and Godzilla rampages throughout the city of LA.... until Hank Azaria (the real hero of 98's Godzilla) flies onto the scene.
5. Someone Stuffs Billy Bush in a Safe, Locks it and Destroys all evidence of the combination... You know, I don't have a big long story for this one. I ask for it every year and nobody seems to do it. I don't even care if he's not doing the red carpet or anything Oscar related. At this point, I've invested so much into my utter disdain for everything he is and represents, it's almost worth it for me to write a screenplay, become famous, and do it myself. You know... there's an idea I can get behind.
Well folks, there you have it. My top 5 Oscar Dream predictions for the year of 2011. Will any of them happen? (no) One can only hope.
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