Ready to Risk it All: Two Years and 1000 Posts Later

2 year and 1000 posts, which I’m sure statistically means I’ve said at least 25 intelligent remarks, at least 3 or 4 useful ones, and a good 9,249,134 things of questionable sanity (it’s math, don’t argue with the numbers). But the one real consistency throughout them all: I’ve spent a lot of time grumping about what other people like – and how their liking it is fine but still annoys me. So I thought it fitting for my 1000th post to put all my trash out there, risk the loss of my handful of loyal readers, and deliver the craptastic in full. All, to give you the five worst movies I ever really enjoyed. And when I say enjoyed, I mean proper enjoyed. None of this ‘eh, I kind of liked it once’ crap. I watched these movies more than anyone ever ought to, and for someone as finicky of a viewer as me that’s saying something (that for all intensive purposes I had no taste until I was about 18).

Dungeons & Dragons

In all honesty, there’s no excuse. I was simultaneously going through a Wayans Bros. phase (post Scary Movie, pre Scary Movie 2) and a Fantasy phase at the same time (LOTR and Harry Potter brought out the fantasy fanatic in me hardcore), and it had Jeremy Irons who I thought was kind of cool, and then there was the table game which all my friends were into… I’m sorry.

Armageddon

This movie is really the undisputed King of craptastic cinema. It’s got more plot holes than an Uwe Boll fantasy epic and more anachronisms than a Sophia Coppola history piece. Not to mention overacting on a level that makes Soap Opera stars go “damn.” Then there’s the story, so ludicrous Klingdons left the world of Star Trek, traveled through a wormhole into the real dimension, all just in an effort to protest the film. Hell yeah, this movie is awesome!

Small Soldiers

In the most basic context, this movie exists for 11 year olds who like to believe they’re ‘too old’ for Toy Story, but not old enough to deal with proper violence yet. Admittedly, the presence of the late, great Phil Hartman goes a long ways in keeping this movie fond in my memories. That and a young Kristen Dunst was a sight for sore eyes for a coming of age pre-teen male.

Batman Forever

Look, when I was a kid Batman and Batman Returns scared the living hell out of me. So what was a child in desperate need of a superhero to do? Sit around and just wait for screenplay writers to come up with a more friendly kid version? Nope, you latch on to the closest thing around... it's not my fault this cheese mania of a journey was all Hollywood had to offer! Alright, so I did go full green and golden cane one year and dress up as The Riddler for Halloween - admittedly a pudgy Riddler - but I did win a Halloween dress up competition at school, so that has to count for something, right?

Surf Ninjas

If you don’t understand then you obviously didn’t grow up in the early ‘90s. If you grew up in the early ‘90s and still don’t understand, then you obviously lived a very deprived childhood. Between this and the Three Ninjas series, my childhood was racked with over the top faux Asian influence of increasing awfulness… which may go to explaining more about my taste these days then I’m ever likely to fully realize.



So there you have it, some of the worst movies I ever dug (and I might argue a couple I still do - just sayin'). Hope you've enjoyed these 2 years here, as I know I have, and I'm quite looking forward to 2 more (though I'm not sure if I have another 1000 posts in me!).