Be sure to come back later today for another well intentioned, but likely nonsensical, Univarn rant!
NEW RELEASES:
Machete: It is commonly believed that the character Machete gained his nickname due to his natural affinity towards the weapon widely associated with him (pictured above). However, this is a fallacy. In actuality, the nickname Machete was derived from a horrible hunting accident from the main character's childhood involving a chicken pizza, two Hawaiian dancers, and a dwarf named Elvira (no relation to the queen of the night). Specific details are a bit hazy, but I can tell you that some point a matchstick box was accidentally superimposed onto a live hyena.
My Machete Review
Dinner for Schmucks: I would like to officially charge this film with being derelict in its duty to entertain. I further move to motion that those involved be abdicated from further cinematic woes until such time as we can determine exactly why they were allowed to create such a film. Recent inquires have lead us to believe that director Jay Roach woefully partook in a mysterious hokey game in Alaska over 11 years ago. He went on to aid in the grave mishandling of a cat which spawned a wretched series drawing potential audience members in through the use of celebrity names and a lack of substantial competition. Ties to British secret intelligence has been brought to our attention, but I can say nothing further at this time.
Howl: Also known as -- "That other James Franco movie of 2010. No not the one with Mila Kunis, the other one."
Catfish: Interesting fact -- a catfish has taste buds lining all along its scales, effectively making it a giant swimming tongue. So the next time you pick one up because you think it's cute, remember all it's thinking is "mmmmmm, yummy."
OTHER RELEASES: Case 39 (the degenerate cousin to Case 69), Yellow Handkerchief (was blue when I bought it!), Visa Dream (to dream the impossible dream?)
OTHER GOODIES:
Coraline (Blu-Ray 3D): Well, now that you've cranked out the hundred among hundreds for your lovely 3D television, change over your cable/satellite to get those five 3D channels, and have purchased your blu-ray player with 3D capabilities - you can ENJOY one of 2009's best, Coraline, for the low, low price of $35. Or, if you'd like to donate a Kidney, we can give it all to you in a simple combo pack.
Blade Runner (The Final Cut Blu-Ray): Last time I heard the words 'final cut' I woke up three days later in Tijuana, bald and attached to a mysterious package. No, that's not a film reference, some weird things just happen to me. Luckily it turned out the mysterious package was a DVD copy of Blade Runner - oh, life's little ironies.
Doctor Zhivago: I love me some David Lean, but I simply don't have the time in the day to watch all of his epics! If only there was some time-space loopholes through which I can traverse and suspend time long enough to enjoy all the movies I want to see. Of course I wouldn't abuse it - strictly for epics only!
Well, ladies and gents, there's some other DVDs being released (per usual), but nothing I feel inclined to mention. I would say that, irregardless of societal demand, you should look into the 'apparent' Jack Lemmon collection being released (which seems to me to be a roundup of some of his lesser known films).
ENJOY YOUR HUNTING!
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