"Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!"
"Hey, I've got this week's release lineup."
"I'm not dead yet!"
"He says he's not dead...."
"Of course I'm not, just look at this movie here.""Ohhh, I think he has you there mister."
"Oh come on! Of course he's dead. Just look at these two films here."
"My god, what kind of crazed illness is this!?""Listen to me, if we don't kill him now, all will suffer this fate."
"Fine, but let's make it quick."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"Welcome to the Obligatory DVD Release Post! (Yes I know I'm horrid at writing dialogue but shush!)
New Releases:
The Last Airbender: Awwwww, look mommy, he made a puppy! No sweety, that's not a puppy, that's your oxygen being sucked out of the air from right under your nose! Since 2005 these Airbenders have been sucking away your air. Meanwhile Clowns, the much beloved caretakers of childrens' parties have been left unemployed. Forced to meander across the globe seeking new career prospects, many have been forced to settle on helium dealing, causing millions of children across the country to enter rehabs and wrecking the future economy. When it comes to Airbenders, just vote no.
Disney's A Christmas Carol: You haven't lived until you've made sweet sweet love to a flying rocket traveling through Dickensian England. There's just no substitute for it. Now I know Christmas is the time of the year where people feign interest in others in the hopes of gaining a bit for themselves, but please remember your rocket. Otherwise this highly informative 2009 documentary will have gone entirely to waste. I'm sure there's some hidden message in there about loving other people and gaining self respect, but to be honest it's all about the rocket riding. Now get out there and live a little!
Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore: Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to lay to rest one Univarn U. Univarn. Univarn lived like few others, in a deep dark dungeon with a casket of blueberries and a side of iguanas. However, as is the case with all questionably living things, Univarn has met his end. It is not the manner in which he died that shall endure him, but rather the messages and hilarity he brought unto the world.
Ladies and Gentlemen I present you with the future if I have to sit through even five minutes of this film.
The Kids Are All Right: Julianne Moore and Annette Benning a lesbian couple? HOLY !#$@ who's been watching my dreams!? I swear I've had that one at least ten times already. Wait, Mark Ruffalo is in this too!?!? WTF! Someone's stealing my fantasies for movie ideas! This isn't fair. Someone get Freud on the line. I don't care that he's dead! I'm sure there's got to be some legal jurisdiction over my fantasies. After all they are mine. Mine Mine Mine!!!!!! Oh, yeah, as you may be able to imagine this is the only film I'm bothering to watch this week, expect a review up in the next couple of days.
Other Releases: The Tournament (aka I Likie the Pretty Boom Booms!), RoboGeisha (whatever the hell that is), Cooper's Christmas (what a narcissist, thinking it's all about him)
Other Goodies:
Clash of the Titans, Open Season, & Polar Express (Blu-Ray 3D): It has begun.... may god have mercy on our souls!
Avatar (Super Extreme Incredulous Holy Cow WTF Really OMG Deluxe Edition Thingy): To be followed by even more stuff in about a week (I guess).
Modern Times (Criterion Blu-Ray): Don't forget 50% off your Criterions at Barnes and Noble ends soon!
Night of the Hunter (Criterion): Robert Mitchum never gets the respect he deserves, the man is pure awesome. El Dorado and Cape Fear prove that even without Night of the Hunter. Though of course having all three is downright card stacking.
Mutiny on the Bounty (Blu-ray): Clark Gable. Enough said.
Alrighty ladies and gents, I wish you the best of luck hunting down your films this week. Uni over and out.
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