10. Paul Blart: Mall Cop
While I didn't like Paul Blart, it stands to reason that I am more just not a fan of this type of film. The type where a fat guy runs around doing goofy things, being completely oblivious to his surroundings while we are expected to laugh at his infantile and misunderstood ways. Not only that, but the company producing the film, Happy Madison, has one of the worst track records I can think of in the ways of quality. There first film was Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalo and it only gets worse from there, littered with some of the worst films of the decade (The Master of Disguise, Grandma's Boy and Strange Wilderness, just to name a few). But it's films like Paul Blart that are making comedy for the lowest common denominator. Paul Blart represents the tragic downfall of great comedy in film today.
9. The Unborn
Hey, do you remember The Unborn? Because I sure don't. Every year, countless bland, terrible horror films are released to theatres. The Unborn was one of 2009's worst. Essentially, the story is of a woman who is haunted by her twin brother, whom died in the womb. Now her brother wants out. The Unborn makes itself nearly indistinguishable from every other post-The Grudge horror film that treads the same ground over and over.
8. Gentlemen Broncos
The premise of Gentlemen Broncos has a surprising amount of promise: an aspiring teenage sci-fi writer has his story stolen by his hero, Ronald Chevalier, after a bout of writer's block. But the over-the-top directions that director Jared Hess takes this film makes it so vile and ridiculous, it's hard to enjoy, with the exception of the always great Jermaine Clement as Chevalier. Hess directed Napoleon Dynamite, which definitely had its awkward moments, but still dealt in reality. His follow-up, Nacho Libre, got a bit more ridiculous, but nevertheless, still rooted in a believable world. Here, in Gentlemen Broncos, we are presented with snakes with explosive diarrhea, ridable does with laser-scope eyes, a hermaphrodite Sam Rockwell and a sci-fi story about Rockwell trying to find his recently removed testicles. Look, I love my films weird. Hell, Charlie Kaufman is my favorite screenwriter. But sometimes, enough is enough and someone needs to reign in Hess before he goes even more overboard.
7. The Ugly Truth
Yes, by putting The Ugly Truth higher than Gentlemen Broncos that ultimately means I would rather watch a giant snake shitting on people than watch Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler together. Here we have a smart businesswoman who wants everything perfect and a man who seems to think with nothing but his penis, but is in fact, a sweet guy inside. Where have you heard this before? Try about several dozen other romantic comedies. And odds are, one of them had Heigl in it. There aren't two actors in Hollywood right now that I feel are more overused that these two, not to mention the fact that they play very similar roles in every film. Oh, and my favorite part of The Ugly Truth? How could these two completely different people ever find love together? They bond over their love for the same type of water... I think I've made my point..
6. Gigantic
If someone went out to make the most cliched indie film of all time, Gigantic would be it. Quiet, shy main character who has an unusual job/interest? Does mattress salesman and trying to adopt a Asian child count? Check. Older, well known actors throw in for good measure? Ed Asner and John Goodman are available, so check. Quirky love interest for the main character? Well of course, lets get Zooey Deschanel! Check! And while we are at it, lets give her a cheery, sunny name. Like, I shit you not, Happy Lolly. Gigantic goes for quirky for quirkiness sake, which is a horrible downfall for any film. But here is fails spectacularly, with ideas such as Goodman's character "willing" himself to no longer have cancer or for no reason, having Zach Galifianakis play a thief who amounts to nothing. Gigantic is nothing more than a gigantic mess.
5. Adoration
Atom Egoyan's 2009 release Adoration has a young high school student being motivated by his teacher to tell his class that his imprisoned father is actually there for terrorism as part of a class exercise. The experiment goes overboard when the student takes his opinions and viewpoints on his father to the Internet. Adoration forces its message across with some of the worst acting I have seen in quite some time. The dialogue here is so unnatural that its cringeworthy. The student Simon, played by Devon Bostick, mostly known for his work in the Saw movies, in unsympathetic, unbelievable and downright annoying, while his various "Internet friends" have some of the worst dialogue I have heard in a film, quite possibly ever. Such a huge disappointment from a talented director.
4. The Fourth Kind
So, after a film like The Blair Witch Project, how do you make your audience believe that what they are seeing is real material? Probably step number one isn't to have your main actress and director come out and blatantly tell the audience that what they are watching is real. The Fourth Kind features Milla Jovovich as a psychiatrist in Alaska who starts to notice something strange happening to the locals: they seem to be getting abducted by aliens. The "real" footage is usually shown side-by-side next to the "recreation", however both are as fake as possible, only varying by small changes. The film insists upon itself that everything here is real. In fact it screams that everything here is based on real events. Yet a quick Google search points out the "events" are several cases of Alaskans getting too drunk, getting lost in the woods and then being found a few days later. The Fourth Kind is one of the worst examples of how to utilize the lost footage style of filmmaking.
3. The Limits of Control
A man with no name sits at a coffee shop. A stranger shows up, asks him the same questions that the person before him has asked and the same questions the person after will ask. They trade matchstick boxes. The man receives a piece of paper, reads it, and then eats the paper. Then it all repeats. Over and over. For two hours. The film ends in a third act that tries for a message but by that point, it’s too late to save this pretentious and dull film.
2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
When watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, it’s hard to not think that you are the butt of some elaborate joke led by director Michael Bay. Of course its terrible, its about Transformers. But non-sensical fight sequences and racist twin cars make this even worse than the first film. Bay attempts to bury the asinine film with explosions and terrible one-liners in a hope to distract viewers from what they are actually watching: a steaming pile of trash.
Before #1 is announced, here are a few that narrowly missed the worst ten:
Still Waiting and S. Darko-simply kept off the list because they were direct-to-DVD releases. Yet that aside, S. Darko would easily have been the worst film of the year.
While they didn't come close to the bottom, I must say that Avatar and The Blind Side are both terrible films. I don't know how they made so much money, but Jesus, what horrible, horrible films.
And the number one worst film of 2009 is...
1. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
The original Street Fighter movie is considered one of the worst video game movies of all time. The newest film in the Street Fighter franchise keeps up the family tradition. The movie takes some of the worst characters from the game, played by Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas and easily the worst performance of the year by Chris Klein, pieces them together into a terrible, nonsense story and accomplishes a disaster that is an embarrassment to two forms of entertainment at the same time.
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