You will remember me from those other movies. You will remember me from those other movies
Now, normally this is one my favorite posts of the week to write. Mostly because it's the one most guaranteed not to be read, which in turn allows me to say the most obnoxious and insensitive things without fear of repercussion. The downside is, I'm not really in the right frame of mind to perform tonight. So I thought I'd call in some of my best friends from the cinema to take over. Unfortunately they are all a bit narcissistic, so please bear with them.
Wide Release:X-Men: First Class: Hello, I'm Ben Stein and I'm here to talk to you about dry eyes. Wait, I'm being told that I am not here to talk to you about dry eyes. In fact, I'm only here because some stupid white kid thought it would be funny to try and sneak in a Ferris Bueller repetitive name calling to the class joke solely because the movie I'm now being pegged against has the word 'class in it.' That and the fact that this is the least annoying of the four main career moves I've made. After all, spending my nights staying up watching TV and yelling at Jimmy Kimmel "I made you mofo!" has gotten a bit tiring. However, I think we can all agree that was a sight bit better than my roles in Son of the Mask and Casper. Now excuse me, I have to go sell souls on the black market. Bitches cost money. Stein over and out.
Limited Releases:Submarine: Hello, I'm Paddy Considine. You know, that awesome guy from all those movies you were too cool to watch. Remember me in Dead Man's Shoes or In America? No, of course you don't. How about Hot Fuzz? Oh come on, I was one of the two guys with a mustache! OK, I think I've got it now. Remember Bourne Ultimatum? Yeah, the really good third one. Right, now stick with me here. Remember the reporter? No? Shit. OK, remember the guy who shows up, talks to Matt Damon and then gets shot in the train station? Yeah!? That was me. There, now that you know who I am, allow me to tell you more about Submarine. What? No time left? Oh for fuck's sake! OK, well at least check me out alongside the very talented Noah Taylor, Sally Hawkins, and Richard Ayoade! What? You've not heard of any of them either? Seriously, sort your shit out.
The Lion of Judah: Hey, remember me? I'm Ernest Borgnine and I'm here because of my involvement in the upcoming animated 3D Christian allegory film, The Lion of Judah. Wait, what? I'm in whaaaaat? Son of a bitch! I didn't know I was still alive! And this is the kind of crap I'm stuck with? All right, all right, I admit it. Doing McHale's Navy with Tom Arnold was an incredibly stupid idea! But haven't I suffered enough? Come on, please take me back! I'll behave. If it helps, I'll go on a Charlie Sheen coke and drinking binge, and start taking out two pornstars a night! Seriously, get me out of this hell hole!
There you go. There's some other movies coming out, but nothing worth the effort of typing out their name. On the plus side, Midnight in Paris and The Tree of Life are both expanding this week (the former considerably more than the latter). So, you should be certain to check your local theaters for that!
Enjoy.
No comments:
Post a Comment