The Expendables

The Expendables-2010

A person's enjoyment of Sylvester Stallone's newest directorial, writing and acting venture, The Expendables, is very dependent on what you believe Stallone's intentions are. You can believe that Stallone is intentionally creating a stereotypical 1980s action film, filled with bad dialogue, terrible directing and the usual suspects of the horribly cheesy action films that are fun to watch because of their ridiculous nature. Or you can believe that Stallone made this film completely seriously, without much irony, in order to relive the heyday of such bad films, without being cognizant that in doing so, was making a pretty terrible film himself. Unfortunately, I am in the latter of the two crowds and that in the process of creating a "man's man" version of the action genre that Stallone and the rest of this cast thrived in, created a disaster of an attempted revival.

The Expendables has a story, but c'mon, the film is really about watching celebrities best known for their muscles blowing people up. Heck, for that matter, I won't even use character names in this review since part of The Expendables draw is the "oh hey, remember him?" factor. Plus with character names like a sniper named Gunner, a tattoo artist named Tool, demolitionist Toll Road and a Chinese martial expert with the terribly offensive name Yin Yang, I think it's better they go by their true names. But apparently the story here involves a South American dictator who is allowing power to go to his head that must be stopped by a group of mercenaries called The Expendables, which are Stallone, Jet Li, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Dolph Lundgren and Jason Statham. But like previously stated, this story is just an  excuse to watch former action legends beating the crap out of countless enemies and cause as much mayhem as possible. In fact the first half of this movie is essentially watching various cameo appearances show up, smoke a cigar, then walk off, never to be seen again.

Now while The Expendables features many characters, I use the term very loosely. Most of them are basically boiled down to whatever weapon they like best, along with one joke about their past or personal life. For example, all that is learned about Couture is that he wrestled in college and has cauliflower ear. Thats it. Besides a basic joke, literally nothing is learned about any of the characters, with the exception of Jason Statham. I found it a guilty pleasure that whenever two or more of The Expendables got together, they discussed fighting or...fighting, but whenever Statham and Stallone got together, they talked about relationship problems in a matter in which 14 year old girls do. 

"So, do you like her, or do you like like her?"

Oh, let's not forget the reason for this mess: Stallone. The writing is excruciatingly terrible, right down to cliche bad guy one-liners. It's completely non-sensical. Example: for some reason, The Expendables have a gun throughout the entire movie that has enough firepower to blow a person's torso right off. Yet it is only saved till the very last moment when all hope is lost and Stallone remembers that Terry Crews has had nothing to do during the entire film. Not to be outdone, his directing is even worse. During exchanges of dialogue, he will inexplicably go around the room after every line of dialogue, just so you remember that that wrestler you used to like in the 90s is still in this film. He can't film a competent fight or chase sequence to save his life and when he attempts to exhibit emotion through a monologue given by Rourke, he zooms in so close to Rourke it's hard to focus on anything then the crevices left on his face from the hard living he's done over the last three decades.

Like most people, I want to believe that Stallone is in on the ridiculous joke, but I can't help but think he truly believes that these washed-up action heroes are still stars. Case in point, without a shred of irony, Stallone has released new films in both the Rambo and Rocky franchises. If Stallone hoped to parody action films, he does, but not in the right way. Stallone should have gone full force and not half-assedly create another brainless 80s-style action film.

Rating: C